So, ready for another dose of boredom? FLANDERS & SWANN Michael Flanders and Donald Swann's fame came from two live shows in the 1950s and 1960s, “At the drop of a hat†and “At the drop of another hatâ€Â, some of whose numbers were preserved on two LPs of the same names. Flanders had been crippled as a young man by polio and spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair (“It's nearly November the 5th, my goodness. We can always tell. Swann pushed me up the road, we got one and sixpence all in coppersâ€Â.) Donald Swann, the son of refugees from the Russian Revolution, spoke Russian, Greek and a few other languages fluently and was a Quaker with strong pacifist views. This comes out in some of the songs (“The reluctant cannibalâ€Â, “Twenty tons of TNTâ€Â). He was a conscientious objector in WW2 and served in a Quakers' Ambulance Unit. The first major success of the duo was The Hippopotamus Song Mud! Mud! Glorious mud! Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood! So follow me, follow Down to the hollow And there let us wallow in glorious mud! There are a number of animal songs (captured on an album “Flanders and Swann's Bestiaryâ€Â). These are amusing, but not as funny as the “Hat†albums. These are a mixture of whimsy and topical comment. While not as pointed as the contemporary Tom Lehrer, they were still pointed. For example, “All Gall†about Charles de Gaulle, who had just vetoed the UK's attempt to join what was then the Common Market: This old man He played six France and England just don't mix Eytie, Benelux, Germany and me That's my market recipe. or the Profumo scandal which nearly brought down the government of Harold Macmillan in “Friendly Duoâ€Â: So guard against gossip, and take every care, Lest some blameless escutcheon you blot, Such models of friendship are precious and rare, Though the friendship of models is not. Then there was the proposed national song for England, “A song of patriotic prejudiceâ€Â. Why? Michael Flanders explained in his droll manner: “You know, it's a curious thing, I don't know if you've ever thought of this, but England hasn't really got a national song, you know, just for England; there's plenty for Great Britain. That's quite different. You have to be very careful how you use these terms, too. The rule is: if we've done anything good, it's "another triumph for Great Britain" and if we haven't, it's "England loses again". Have you noticed that?… What English national song have we got? "Jerusalem"!! "There'll always be an England". Well, that's not saying much, is it? I mean, there'll always be a North Pole, if some dangerous clown doesn't go and melt it. I think that the reason for this is that in the old days - you know, the good old days when I was a boy - people didn't, we didn't bother in England about nationalism. I mean, nationalism was on its way out. We'd got pretty well everything we wanted and we didn't go around saying how marvellous we were - everybody knew that - any more than we bothered to put our names on our stamps… But nowadays nationalism is on the up and up and everybody has a national song but us.…Well, the moment has come, and none too soon; we have a song here which, I think, fills this long-felt want and I hope that all true-born English men and women in our audience will join in the last chorus. And if you don't have the good fortune to be English true-born, or a man, or a woman, I hope you'll join in as an ordinary mark of simple decent respect. This song starts with, I think, a very typical English understatement.†And the typical English understatement? The English, the English, the English are best! I couldn't give tuppence for all of the rest! Continuing: The rottenest bits of these islands of ours We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not. For we audio folk, there's “A song of reproductionâ€Â, which I never tire of quoting But I never did care for music much! It's the hi-fi-del-it-tee! For clever wordplay, “Madeira, m'dear†is hard to beat: He'd slyly inveigled her up to his flat to view his collection of stamps And said as he hastened put out the cat, the wine, his cigar and the lamps ….. Unaware of the wiles of the snake in the grass and the fate of the maiden who topes She lowered her standards by raising her glass, her courage, her eyes and his hopes …. When he asked 'What in heaven?' she made no reply, up her mind, and a dash for the door. and of course the paean to ..that monarch of the road Observer of the Highway Code That big six-wheeler, diesel-engined Scarlet-painted, London Transport Ninety-seven horsepower omnibus! As is the case with all comedy albums, not all are gems; you will always get things that fall flat – for you anyway. Some of the Flanders and Swann stuff is too whimsical for my taste. However, those are well and truly offset by the gems, of which there are many. All Flanders and Swann's stuff is now available on CD. Also worth a listen is the King's Singers' album of Flanders & Swann and Noël Coward. Donald Swann himself admitted that the King's Singers version of “The Slow Train†(the affectionate little tribute to all the railway stations closed by Dr. Beeching's draconian cuts to British Snail) was the definitive one. The album also contains some of Coward's most delicious stuff, “The stately homes of Englandâ€Â, his wicked parody on a 19th century song The stately homes of England How beautiful they stand! To prove the upper classes Have still the upper hand and the fabulous There are bad times just around the corner The horizon's as gloomy as can be There are black birds over the greyish cliffs of Dover And the rats are preparing to leave the BBC not forgetting Coward's best-known line Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun! The Japanese don't care to The Chinese wouldn't dare to Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one But Englishmen detest a Siesta! TOM LEHRER The unkinder, ungentler (and funnier) US version of Flanders & Swann. His edges are harder, his sarcasm that much more openly scathing – perhaps that's why he is more of a cult figure in these more cynical times. Lehrer, a mathematics lecturer at Harvard and later in California, made only three LPs ever. He started in the early 1950s and I presume he got away with songs such as “The old dope peddler†and “Be prepared†(about the Boy Scouts) Be prepared to hold you liquor very well Don't write naughty words on walls if you can't spell. and “I wanna go back to Dixie†I wanna talk with Southern gentlemen And put my white sheet on again I ain't seen one good lynchin' in years! because no radio station would touch them. These were on the 10†mono LP “Songs by Tom Lehrerâ€Â. After discharge from military service (which, he regrets, was entirely honourable), he toured and this resulted, in the late '50s, in a second LP “An evening (wasted) with Tom Lehrerâ€Â. He returned to lecturing, but wrote songs for the US version of David Frost's “That was the week that wasâ€Â. These were recorded in a San Francisco night club on a third (and final) LP called “That was the year that wasâ€Â. He sank without trace again, until a couple of British producers devised a West End revue called “Tomfooleryâ€Â, based on his songs. This went on to world-wide success. Lehrer has now retired from teaching (fairly recently), but still lectures occasionally. Lehrer remains perpetually fresh. The current London show “The Madness of George Dubya†features one of Lehrer's two great classics: We will all go together when we go Every Hottentot and every Eskimo When the air becomes uranious We will all go simultaneous Yes we all will go together when we go. plus a slightly updated version of “Send the marines†For might makes right Until they've seen the light They've got to be protected All their rights respected Until someone we like can be elected (Oddly enough, a version of Spike Jones's “Sheikh of Araby†also makes an appearance) Lehrer's range of topics covers everything from pollution The breakfast garbage you throw into the Bay They drink at lunch at San José to dirty books Smut! Give me smut and nothing but! A dirty novel I can't shut If it's uncut Or unsubt-le I've never quibbled, if it was ribald I would devour, where others merely nibbled to unusual dealings with wildlife. Oh, the air is in tune on a bright afternoon When we're poisoning pigeons in the park! Why? But it's not against any religion To want to dispose of a pigeon. Interestingly, this last song generated a German language near-copy, “Tauben vergiftung†(poisoning pigeons) by a cabaret artist. Speaking of Germans, Lehrer could be scathing, as per “Wernher von Braun†(pronounced “Ferner fon Brown†(not “Brawnâ€Â) in German) Don't say that he's hypocritical Say rather that he's apolitical “Vunce rockets are up, who cares vere zey come down? “Zat's not my department!†says Wernher von Braun. Some few have harsh words for this man of renown But some think our attitude should be one of gratitude Like the widows and cripples in old London town Who owe their large pensions to Wernher von Braun. The other great classic in the Lehrer repertoire is “The Vatican Ragâ€Â, a reaction to the Second Vatican Council and its liberalising tendencies (“If they REALLY want to sell the product in a secular age…â€Â): Get in line with that processional Step into that small confessional There the guy that's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original If it is, try playin' it safer Drink the wine and chew the wafer Two-four-six-eight Time to transubstantiate! The songs are not all good; the ones written about political figures of the time (“Whatever became of Hubert [Humphrey]?â€Â) now fall completely flat. However, I'm with Weird Al Yankovic – the guy was a comic genius. Even the backs of the record sleeves are hilarious. You owe it to yourself to get some Lehrer.
