Jokes

Heres a funny joke to start the ball rolling.


> A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she
> lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.
>
> the distressed owner wailed. "are you sure?" "yes I am sure". The
> duck
is dead, he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I
mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be
in a coma or something". The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and
left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
>
> As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head . The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few
moments later with a beautiful Cat. The cat jumped up on the table and
also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches,
shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said this
> is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck". then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150 !!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The
vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat
Scan........"

 

A guy walks into a chiropodist and whacks his penis on the counter
"That's not a foot!" shreiks the recptionist
"It's a good 11 inches" he replies

 

Doctor: "Open your mouth and say 'ahhh'"
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because my dog's just died"

-- Ian

 

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

 

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side. She turns to him ... they kiss .... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman leans in to him and whispers "Well, how was it?" The man says........





















"Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to David Beckham , "and you, David , what do you believe?" "I believe" says Beckham "you're sitting in my seat."

 

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"