[b]The Vinyl Solution (or, Armageddon outta here)[/b] Today's reading is taken from the First Book of HOBBY, Chapter 14, commencing to read at the first verse: 1. This is the account of Tones of Baselland, and the Vinyl Conflict, called Armageddon. 2. In the beginning was the LP12, from the House of St. Ivor of the Deep Fountain, in the depths of darkest Caledonia. 3. And Tones looked upon it, and it was good. 4. Moreover, Tones even listened to it, and, verily, it was very good. 5. So, it came to the alpine House of Tones and there it dwelt, giving joy unto all that were in the House. 6. Then, one day, Tones returned home to find the LP12 spinning. “Verily,†he said, “who hath done this?†Now the LP12 was attached to the same provider of electrical current as the computer of Tones, and when the daughters of Tones turned on the computer, the heart of the LP12, called Valhalla, which was exceedingly wicked, became puffed up with Luciferian pride and decided that it would play whether or not Tones wished it to play. “I shall ascend into the heavens,†it saith unto itself, “I shall be like Tones. Besides, considering the rubbish he habitually places upon thy platter, LP12, which makes thee sound baroquen, it is better if you spin without musical accompaniment.†7. And Tones was sore displeased. He saith unto his daughters, “You are causing the LP12 to work without cause, by causing the sin of pride to rise in Valhalla. Verily, this is not good.†But his daughters saith unto him, “If thou wilt use such an antiquated apparatus, what concern is that to us? That is thy problem, seest thou to it thyself.†And they spurned Tones and returned to selling junk on eBay. 8. Now knowing the Scripture, which hath said that, one day, hearts of stone would be replaced by hearts of flesh, Tones sought such hearts. 9. One such heart was blessed by St. Ivor, and because it was fluent in the tongue of the sacred lore of Vinyl, was called Lingo. 10. Another was blessed by St. Julian of Salisbury, and, because it was seen as the resolution of the vinyl conflict, was called Armageddon. 11. But when Tones found that such redemption could only be obtained under the Old Covenant by offering large sacrifices, such as not eating for several months, he bought instead a collection of bits from the minor prophet St. David, who is called White, and built unto himself a device, called White Noise PSU. And he cast Valhalla out of paradise into the garage, and replaced it with White Noise PSU. It was not easy, because Tones had to make the circuit of St. Ivor, called Basik, so that White Noise would work, but he managed, with the help of the Holy Writ of Vinyl Engine. 12. And Tones looked upon the White Noise PSU, and found it very good. It did sound no better than the Valhalla, but it worked only when Tones wanted it to. Moreover, it had 45rpm, a speed for which Tones has no use whatsoever, except for playing the Music of Rock, so that it ended more quickly. 13. All was tranquil in the House of Tones. But it came to pass that, one day, Tones perceived a humming. He raised the outer platter of the LP12, and, lo, one section of the drive belt was resonating. “Verily,†saith Tones, “this is a Noise that is no longer white.†And Tones was again sore displeased and did forsake the vinyl completely for the silver disc of the sacred Red Book. 14. Then there came unto the HFC website quantumparticle, who did offer an Armageddon at a price, which, while not truly quantum, was exceedingly fair. And Tones made a New Covenant and bought the Armageddon and brought it to the House of Tones. 15. Now Armageddon was a long box of extruded aluminium, but, because of the pure heart within, weighed many shekels. It was of the type called Olive (perhaps in the promise of popeye performance). It had no outer form or comeliness that men should desire it (in short, it was truly Salisbury plain). It had but one large knob to switch it off and on. At the back thereof, it hath a connector placed transversely, such that the connection did not make an already long box even longer. And Tones was well pleased with this, because it fitted easily within his hi-fi cabinet. And Tones was even more pleased when he found that the fitting of the Armageddon circuit within the LP12 was like unto a sector of circular self-raising baked farinaceous material. 16. And Tones did connect up Armageddon and did turn the large knob. And the LP12 did start and make a joyful noise. The noise it made was no better (or no different) from the noise of Valhalla and White Noise, but it switched on only when he wanted it to and it did not cause anything to hum. And Tones lived with the fact that he could no longer make the Music of Rock go faster by not playing any, ever. And the world was thus a better and sweeter-sounding place. 17. And vinylly peace and tranquillity returned to the alpine valley of Tones, and he dwelt there in peace and contentment forever. Here endeth the lesson.
