The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by tones, Apr 13, 2006.

  1. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    I have been asked to put this on ZG (honestly). Shakespeare it ain’t, but hopefully it will give some amusement and not raise too much ire. I am a total sceptic; I don’t believe in cables (ICs, speaker or power), stands, green pens or any of that stuff, but if you hear and enjoy a difference, jolly good luck to you.

    Some have appeared on ZG before in individual posts, but this is the total collection - so far...

    1. GENERAL AUDIOPHOOLIA SONGS

    Nursery Rhyme

    Baa, baa, dead sheep, are you audiophool?
    Yes, sir, yes, sir, really cool!
    One has to master giving up brain
    So one can hear what others try to in vain

    The Heavy Dirigible Song

    Not really an audiophile song, merely being rude about my favourite noise generators, to the tune of one of their greatest misses:

    Hey, hey mama, papa, children too, gonna con you blind, ‘cos you want me to
    Ah, ah, gullibility’s your thing, if you really think I can play and sing
    Hey, hey, babies, when you think that way, then your money drips in mah purse all day

    Ha-yeah, ha-yeah. ha! ha! ha! Ha-yeah, ha-yeah, ha! ha! ha!

    I gotta roll folk like you. Got Ferraris at heart, an’ big mansions too
    Gorgeous bodies gleaming red, all I need’s enough conn-ed

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

    Hey, babies, oh, babies, petty babies, tell me won’t you let me do you now

    Didn’t take too long ‘fore I found out, that people can be messed about
    Take their money for mah car, make enough pretentious noise they think you’re a star
    I now know once they’ve been sold, they’re so easy to part from their gold

    All I ask for when I pray, steady rollin’ spenders gonna come my way
    Need the tone-deaf, takin’ them in hand, an’ rip them off, make me a happy man.

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

    CJ’s Song

    Dedicated to CJ Ross after his ejection from HFC. To the tune of “My favourite things” from “The Sound of Mucus”

    Stands from IKEA and Cat5 from Maplin
    DVD transports with big kids a-grapplin’
    Helped by the oomph that a D-A-C brings
    These were a few of his favourite things
    Eyetie loudspeakers with smooth classy finish
    Jap crap from Sony that no way diminish-
    -es sound from kit which continues to sing
    These were a few of his favourite things
    When Admin bites
    (Oh, the b’s stink)
    Then we’re feeling sad
    But simply remember his favourite things
    And then we don’t feel so bad.

    2 point 1 hi-fi instead of five channel
    Blind tests of ICs with impartial panel
    Treble from standmounts with sep’rate woofings
    These were a few of his favourite things
    Amp binding posts that could moor the “Queen Mary”
    Believers’ gardens with permanent fairies
    Feuds with AK like a circus three-ringed
    These were a few of his favourite things
    Now he’s gone, dude,
    Things are subdued
    And we’re feeling sad
    But simply remember his favourite things
    And then we don’t feel so bad.


    The CJ Ban(ned) Song

    Another CJ song, based on the old Irish comedy song “MacNamara’s Band”, and probably meaningless to anyone from outside the Emerald Isle.

    Oh, my name is CJ Ross and I’m a member of the Banned
    And though we’re small in number, we are often out of hand
    We cause upset in forums ‘cos we’re proud to speak our mind
    And when the Forum kicks us out, to this fate we’re resigned

    Refrain:
    Oh the rows go bang and the rules go hang
    As the two sides blaze away
    The tempers flare, the fists are bare
    All want to have their say
    Oh, late moderation’s influence is moot
    My word, ‘tis something grand
    A credit to autocracy
    When CJ Ross is banned.


    Oh there’s Bub, who’s banned from a place where stands have driven folk insane
    And AK’s banned from PFM, for him that’s zero gain
    And CJ’s out of HFC, now loiters within tent
    Until the next time someone’s hooter out of shape is bent

    Refrain…

    The Upgrading Song

    To the tune of “Do-Re-Mi” from Rogers and Hammerstein’s “The Sound of Mucus”:

    Dough for gear, that’s really dear
    ’Ray! From better up to best!
    Me, for me, ‘cos I can hear
    Far, far better than the rest
    So, why needled, filled with dread?
    La-tterly heard better, so
    Te-etering on new upgrade
    Which shall bring us back to dough-oh-oh-oh

    The Hi-Fi Education Song

    To the tune of the traditional university song Gaudeamus igitur, juvenes dum sumum (Let us therefore rejoice, while we are young)

    Gaudeamus igitur
    Juvenes dum sumum

    Hi-fi rich but money-poor
    Joyous sound, financial doom
    Making hay while sun doth shine
    While you think you can divine
    Cable differences night and day
    Enjoy delusions, while you may!

    Vita nostra brevis est
    Brevi finietur*.

    So, before it all goes west
    Let us make quite sure
    To the myth we ever cling
    That it’s worthwhile upgrading
    Making sure, whatever fate may fall,
    When we go, we shall have tried it all.

    Vivat hi-fi magazines!
    These our professores
    Questionable honesty
    Pand’ring to our mores
    Tell us what we want to hear
    So to sell advertised gear
    Writing endless heaps of useless crud
    With the pristine clarity of mud!

    *Our life is short, it will soon be finished

    In dulci jubilo – an Audiophool Christmas carol

    A multi-Forum audiophool carol to the tune of the mediaeval carol In dulci jubilo in its modified English version (“Good Christian men rejoice”):

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    With heart and soul and voice
    Soon it will be Christmas Day
    Toys, toys
    Major upgrades on the way
    Household budget groans with pain
    But without that there’s zero gain
    ‘Till New Year delay-ay, any thoughts of pay.

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    With Hi-Fi of your Choice
    Soon you’ll be in endless bliss
    Noise, noise
    You know you’ve deservèd this
    Decked the halls with holly boughs
    While latest purchase really wows
    Really does the biz-ness, really does the biz

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    Your set-up’s now Rolls-Royce®
    Better treble, real bass slam
    Joy, joy
    Hi-Fi blows wig off with WHAM
    Neighbours on the wall do pound
    (Don’t they appreciate good sound?)
    You don’t give a d***, you don’t give a d***.

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    Your sounds now have more poise
    Unlike you, post-food and brew
    See, see
    Elephants pink, fishes too
    All those sounds are so brilliant!
    And better still with lubricant
    And to life so true-ue, and to life so true!

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    As volume peace destroys
    Now you give cause for alarm
    Scratch, scratch
    Swinging on the pick-up arm
    Time to put the toys away
    And try again another day
    Causing lesser har-rm, causing lesser harm.

    Good audiophools rejoice!
    And try to curb your boist-
    -‘trusness, now the glow is gone
    Sad, sad
    But in forums, life goes on
    Back to Naim, Art, Bow, Krell, Linn
    Stands, power cords, ICs, get stuck in
    With total aband-on, total abandon!

    Another Audiophool Christmas carol

    To the tune of Charles Wesley’s famous carol.

    Hark! The hi-fi dealers sing
    Sees what Santa this year brings
    Peace is bought with prices wild
    Man and hi-fi reconciled
    Joyous, audiophools rise
    Soundstage better, what surprise!
    Microdynamics also
    Higher highs and lower lows
    Hark! The hi-fi dealers sing
    More upgrades sometime in spring?

    The Twelve Audiophool Days of Christmas

    An audiophool version of “The twelve days of Christmas”. First, a reminder of the original:

    On the first day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me:
    A partridge in a pear tree
    On the second day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me:
    Two turtle doves and
    A partridge in a pear tree
    On the third day of Christmas…
    Three french hens,

    and then..
    Four colly birds.. Five golden rings..Six geese a-laying…Seven swans swimming…Eight maids a-milking… Nine drummers drumming…Ten pipers piping…Eleven ladies dancing…Twelve lords a-leaping


    On the first day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me:
    A Nordost Valhalla power lead
    On the second day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me:
    Two phono plugs and
    A Nordost Valhalla power lead
    On the third day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me:
    Three fresh lens
    Two phono plugs and
    A Nordost Valhalla power lead.
    On the fourth day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me: Four ICs paired
    Three fresh lens
    Two phono plugs and
    A Nordost Valhalla power lead
    On the fifth day of Christmas
    My true love sent to me: Five bold tings!* Four ICs paired
    Three fresh lens
    Two phono plugs and
    A Nordost Valhalla power lead
    Six tables turning
    Seven diodes dimming
    Eight salesmen milking
    Nine PS-Us humming
    Ten tweeters tweeting
    Eleven phases dancing
    Twelve Shaktis stoning

    *For those who don’t recognise it, a reference to Roy K. Riches, mains power supply guru extraordinaire. He maintained that, if you organised your power supply in his way, you could hear “ting”-type sounds on some track or other, which otherwise could not be heard at all – and the more closely you adhered to his ideas, the more tings you heard. Or, as Duke Ellington would have had it, it don’t mean a thing, if it ain’t got that ting. It briefly touched off a major controversy at PFM, as people started hearing tings…

    The BodaciouSSian Rhapsody

    For Solidstateman, the Queen of the Tent (Hifiwigwam), present on the HiFi Choice as BodaciouSS:

    Is this the real life?
    To feed my fantasy?
    Ensconsed in Wigwam
    My escape from reality?
    Discard your fears
    Open your ears, and see
    I’m just a poor boy, I need no symphonies
    Because I’m opera-boy, (bit buffo)
    My brow’s high, theirs is low,
    Anyway, the discs spin, doesn’t really matter to me,
    To me

    Mama, just pitched a tent
    Banged the pegs into the ground
    Better to discuss good sound
    Mama, life’s again begun
    Since from HFC we’ve now all gone away
    Mama, bo-oh-oh-orrr-
    -ring that Forum had become
    Sometimes I wonder why we tried at all
    Carry on, carry on, nothing really mattered.

    Too late, my time has come
    In the tepee I’m inclined
    Contributions so refined
    To give everybody, I just had to go
    So I turn out lights at “Choice” and go away
    Mama, no mo-oh-oh-ore
    Don’t want it to die
    But sometimes wish it hadn’t been born at all.

    I see a little shrivelled Forum deathly quiet
    HiFi Choice, HiFi Choice, ne’er again shall we tango
    No more cable fighting, really not enlightening me

    HifiWigwam, HifiWigwam
    Go figure-oh-oh-oh-oh
    I’m not a sceptic, so Jampal wants me
    He’s not a sceptic, he’s barking, don’t you see?
    Give him a life from Choice monstrosity!

    ‘Wam is yes, “Choice” is no, I intend to go
    BodaciouSS, No! We will not let you go!
    Let me go!
    BodaciouSS, no! We will let you go!
    Let me go!
    Will not let you go! Let me go!
    Will not let you go! Let me go!
    No,no,no,no,no,no,no
    Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia, let me go!
    BodaciouSS rejects the devil known as HFC, - FC, -FCCCCCCCCC…


    So you think you can own me? You I’m gonna defy!
    In the Wigwam I’m queen and there gonna thrive
    Oh, baby – my pitch queered here, baby
    Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

    Nothing really matters,
    Anyone can see,
    Nothing really matters, nothing matters back at HFC,

    Anyway, the discs spin....

    The Naim Song
    Inspired (if that's the word) by a post on pfm and a trial of a CD5/Flatcap2:

    On the first part of my hi-fi journey
    All my hi-fi gear lacked life
    There were Sonys, Sanyos, bland, boring
    Played through boomy, boxy things
    The first time I met with a guy full of PRaT
    I heard music of earth not round
    The pace was hot, the soundstage was not
    But the air was full of sound

    Chorus:
    I've been through my CDs, with a source with a Naim
    Had a sound you cannot disdain
    But no better than others, it’s plain
    You can seek for PRaT, but you’ll listen in vain
    La, la ...


    After two days with this PRaTtling gun
    My ears began to turn red
    After three days nothing more had come
    Could have easily with Sony stayed
    And the Flatcap 2 added to the brew
    No more sound but one green light instead.

    Chorus:

    After nine days I returned the CD
    'Cause by then I’d come to see
    That the tales of pace, rhythm, timing
    Were a salesman’s imagining
    The earth isn’t flat but it’s big and round And it’s very plain to see
    There’s not a single path to the perfect sound
    Even that from Salisbury

    Chorus:

    The Coherent Song

    A tribute to Tony of Coherent Systems, much loved over at WigWam.It helps to know the original, which may be known only to really old guys like me, an old blues number “The House of the Rising Sun” made famous by Josh White, and then resurrected in a marvellous Alan Price arrangement by the Animals in the 1960s.

    There is a place down Worcester way
    It’s called the Rising Sum
    And it’s ruined so many poor audiophools
    I know, because I’m one

    My hi-fi was a pleasure
    A sort of grown-up’s toy
    It made, to me, a pleasant noise
    It gave me lots of joy.

    But when I loitered within Tent
    Some guys told of a time
    When once they visited some guy
    Who made sounds quite sublime.

    Against my better judgement, I
    Arranged to have a hear
    I never really realised
    How this would cost me dear

    The bossman he was Tony
    Your worst nightmares come true
    With gift to open jaded ears
    From cash to sep’rate you.

    He started off with modest rig
    (Well, by his reckoning)
    To me it sounded really good
    I had to have this thing.

    But then he changed some cables round
    And this now sounded great
    With soundstage real, bass Richter scale
    Its notes timed, never late.

    I wanted that, so bad I did
    But that was just the start
    And every time he tweaked some more
    It nearly broke my heart.

    He shaved my CDs, and they gained
    Dynamic clarity
    He flashed them, and they gained some more
    (E’en though that cannot be).

    And then we got to serious stuff
    The diff’rence was so vast
    My heart disintegrated now
    “Enough!” I cried at last.

    I went back home in deepest gloom
    Head full of shattered dreams
    I lusted for Coherency
    So far beyond my means

    My own nice gear, now not worth hear-
    -ing, drove me quite insane
    I’d had a glimpse of Paradise
    But lost, and never gained.

    I’d tasted the forbidden fruit
    And now I could discern
    The gulf between the good and best
    A sorry thing to learn

    Oh, mothers, tell your children
    Not to do what I have done
    Spend your life in penury
    To the House of the Rising Sum

    Your response may be flat-form
    Your speakers show no strain
    But, knowing how your sounds are lean,
    ‘Slike wearing ball and chain.

    Oh, there is a place down Worcester way
    It’s called the Rising Sum
    And it’s ruined so many poor audiophools
    I know, because I’m one
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2008
    tones, Apr 13, 2006
    #1
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  2. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 2

    The Audiophool New Year Song

    Should auld upgradings be forgot
    And never brought to mind?
    I vote that we should dump the lot
    And try new stuff to find

    For auld lang syne, my dear
    For auld lang syne
    We’ll test new cable now and then
    To make the sceptics whine!


    Should we turntables e’er get shot
    An’ for vinyl cease to pine?
    And play wee silvers full of dots
    ‘Stead of spiral groovy line?

    For auld lang syne, my dear
    For auld lang syne
    We’ll raise our digits now and then
    To thoughts so asinine!


    Should audio-visual become hot
    And two-channel decline
    We’ll fight to maintain what we’ve got
    To drink not fizz but wine

    For auld lang syne, my dear
    For auld lang syne
    We will our standards high defend
    May its lives be feline


    The Anti-S(c)eptic Song

    Well, get into that forum and rattle them potty fans
    Oh, get into that forum and try to avoid a ban,
    ‘Cos I wanna hit sceptics, ‘cos I’m an angry man.

    Refrain:
    Snake, prattle and troll
    I said, snake, prattle and troll
    I said, snake, prattle and troll
    I said, snake, prattle and troll
    Well they can’t hear nuttin’ to save their doggone soul.


    Oh, they’re spoutin’ ‘bout cables but their hearin’s not so nice
    Well, they’re spoutin’ ‘bout cables but their hearin’s not so nice
    They make it a virtue, but I think it’s a vice.

    Refrain:

    Oh, my cables are tresses, with connectors done up nice
    Yeah, my cables are tresses, with connectors done up nice
    Oh the sounds are so good, they’re worth that giant price:

    Refrain:

    I’m a one-eyed anti-septic, postin’ in a crowd of bores
    I’m a one-eyed anti-septic, postin’ in a crowd of bores
    They mix it with me, they get another one tore.

    Refrain:

    I believe them septics are wrong and now I know
    I believe them septics are wrong and now I know
    An’ the more I know, the faster my money goes

    Refrain:

    Sid’s Song

    Thus named because Sid & Coke gave me the idea. The original “Some folks” is from the 19th century American songwriter Stephen Foster (Swanee River, Oh! Susanna, De Camptown Races, Jeanie with the light brown hair, Ole Kentucky Home, etc., etc.)


    Some folks think they hear
    Some folks do, some folks do
    Not-there sounds from gear
    But that is me, not you
    Long live the shiny golden ears
    That diff'rence night and day
    Hear because it's there
    No matter what sceptics say.

    Some folks love their wire
    Some folks do, some folks do
    Sets their gear on fire
    But that is me, not you
    Long live elongate jewellery
    That sparkles aurallay
    Ne’er a placebo!
    No matter what sceptics say.

    Some folks like upgrades
    Some folks do, some folks do
    Think they’ve got it made
    But that is me, not you
    Long live the ever-better sounds
    It has to be that way
    ‘Cos they cost much more
    No matter what sceptics say.

    Some folks like their stands
    Some folks do, some folks do
    Set-up care demands
    But that is me, not you
    Long live the isolated gear
    Whose sound blows you away
    Microphony dearth
    No matter what sceptics say.

    Some folk like their discs
    Some folk do, some folk do
    Black with grooves, not pits
    But that is me, not you
    Long live the vinyl twelve-inch disc
    That spins by night and day
    Style us folk of taste
    No matter what sceptics say

    I am the very model…

    A number of songs were derived from “I am the very model of a modern major-general” from “The Pirates of Penzance”, perhaps the most famous of the G&S patter songs.

    (a) The moderator’s song

    I am the very model of a hi-fi moderator
    In squabbles to adjudicate to stop them getting greater
    My knowledge of things hi-fi is prodigious; this is why that
    My thoughts on it are not so much opin-i-ons as fiat
    In things concerning kit, I think that much is psychological
    Except concerning mine, in which case it’s more theological
    In disputations over kit, I quickly bawl the boys out
    Unless of course it’s mine, in which case I throw all my toys out

    (Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toys out
    Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toys out
    Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toy-oy-oy-oy-oys-out)

    My kit’s dynamics are so micro that you just can’t beat it
    The textures are so textured I can have my cake and eat it
    In short, who disagrees with me is humbug, fraud and traitor
    Which makes me just the perfect candidate for moderator!

    (b) The Audiophool’s Song

    I am the very model of a modern hi-fi person
    This sedentary hobby seems to get just worse’n’worse, ‘n
    I can discourse so learnedly on subjects multifarious
    That non-hi-fi folk begin to think I’ve really gone delirious
    I know the subject backwards when it comes to hi-fi cable
    I know it makes a difference, so as much as I am able
    I’ll loud proclaim advantages that one gains from reducing
    The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing

    Chorus:
    The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing
    The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing
    The O2 content, and a better signal thus produ-hu-hu-hu-cing


    My know-how when it comes to stands is just completely sated
    I comprehend completely how energy’s dissipated
    In short, when I get started I have everybody cursin’
    I am the very model of a modern hi-fi person.

    I don’t forbear to tell my friends their cables need upgraded
    When they say, “Liar! It’s only wire!” they’re very soon up-braided
    Moreover, to in clover be they should be elevated
    Above the floor so they’re no more by static enervated
    And when the hi-fi needs support, to do without’s bananas
    It’s just not shrewd (and also rude) to be bereft of Manas
    And new power cord will bring back those electrons that you’ve lacked, for
    The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor

    Chorus
    The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor
    The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor
    The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a fa-ha-ha-hac-tor!


    Audiophiles, tho’ much reviled, have brought forth things conceal-ed
    Indeed it seems to be the laws of physics are repeal-ed
    Those septic sceptic doubts I can rebut chapter and verse on
    Based on the sound experience of modern hi-fi person.

    In matters dielectric I’m superbly well equip-ped
    With PTFE only, sound will never be insipid
    My green-edged CDs Auric’lly Illuminated sound great
    The total photon capture means that sound is clear and first-rate
    Demagnetised of course, it works, so take no heed of sneering
    The poverty of sceptics extends also to their hearing
    With Shakti stones, I make no bones, a diff’rence undeniable
    As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable

    Chorus
    As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable
    As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable
    As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re li-i-i-iable!


    Dynamics are so micro they’re on point of disappearing
    My bass so fast, my textures textured, clarity is searing
    But cannot stop, for upgrades, household budget needs some nursin’
    To maintain the religion of a modern hi-fi person!

    (c) Dirty Dickie’s Song

    Written for my friend and Wagner lover Solidstateman

    I am the very model of an opera composer
    When big Teutonic drama’s needed, surely I’m no dozer
    I have the total mastery of lovely Trists an’ all the
    Emotions which for profit to my pub-el-ic I sold-e
    For those who think there’s no way they could possibly endure a
    Performance, I toss in a tune as great as die Walküre
    That sure will bring familiar Ring and get my aud’ence hook-ed
    And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed!

    And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed
    And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed
    And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ked!


    I gave them Meistersinger, Tannhäuser, Dutchman, Rienzi
    They bel-low an’ grin, cheer and sometimes get into a frenzy
    In short, I’m not a dilettante, a humbug or a poser
    Instead I am the model of an opera composer!

    The Believer’s Song

    Based on Frankie Laine’s 1950’s hit.

    I believe for every drop of copper drawn, a cable grows
    I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a triode glows
    I believe for every ear that goes astray
    A tweaker comes and shows the way
    I believe, I believe.

    I believe above the storm the smallest tweak can still be heard
    I believe that green pens, sinks, knobs, silver goops are not absurd
    Every time I newly-purchased power lead ply
    Or touch a lead, or Densen try
    Then I know why I believe.

    The Crazy Poster’s Song

    I think we’ve all known posters like this… To Willie Dixon’s “Little Red Rooster”

    I am a li’l hi-fi poster
    So nuts in every way
    I am a li’l hi-fi boaster
    Proud of what I had to pay
    So I’m struttin’ round in the Forum
    Bein’ great in ev’ry single way.

    Well, I come on the Forum
    Just so that I can growl
    An’ the sceptics that I find there
    At them I sure begin to howl
    All good sense goes out the window
    When li’l hi-fi poster’s on the prowl.

    Well if you see my li’l dead brain cell
    Please, please drive it home
    If it makes a diff’rence, can’t tell
    But at least there’s somethin’ in my dome
    So it rattles ‘round in darkness and vacuum
    While I at the mouth continue to foam.

    The Scottish Hi-Fi Song

    To the tune “Loch Lomond”

    From yon bonnie banks and for some bonnie payin’
    For greed and not need, ye’ll go roamin’
    For ye have the urge speakers to upgrade again
    On the glowing reports of an Artful Bow man

    Chorus
    Oh, ye’ll tak’ the hi-fi an’ I’ll tak’ the low-fi
    An’ I’ll be contented afore ye
    For ye’ll go and squander just everything you gain
    In the bonnie, bonnie hi-fi emporiums


    T’was you from cash parted in yon shady den
    For a steep, steep price, yer mouth foamin’
    When tryin’ to think how on earth to sell the hen
    On a soundstage that’s really worth ownin’

    Chorus

    The Audiophool Lullaby

    From the famous Brahms’s one

    Guten Abend, gute Nacht, Mit Endstuf’ bedacht,
    Mit Kabeln besteckt, schlupf unter die Deck'
    Morgen früh, wenn HOBBY will, wirst du wieder geweckt
    Morgen früh, wenn HOBBY will, mehr Blödsinn endeckt.

    Guten Abend, gute Nacht, Von HOBBY bewacht
    Der zeigt im Traum, ideales Hörraum
    Schlaf nun selig und süss, Schau im Traum's Paradies
    Und träum von Deiner merkwürdige Spezies

    The Harmonious Lumberjack

    Well, if Handel can have a harmonious blacksmith, why not? The source will probably be recognised.

    I don’t want to be a sceptic! I don’t want to be trapped in a mess of mediocre wire and cheap Japanese mid-fi and lack of golden ears! I want to be…AN AUDIOPHILE!

    (Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum–dum-dum DADADADAAAAAAAH-dum-dum-dum
    Swinging from IC to thick IC down the mighty rivers of hi-fi hyperbole!

    (DADADADA-DAAAAAAAH-dum-dum-dum-dum-DADADADA-DAAAAAAAAH!
    The Nordost! The Ecosse! The QED! The naughty flashy Krystal! The coherently incoherent Coherent!

    With my golden eared buddies by my side, we’ll, sing, sing, SING!

    I’m an audyofile and I’m OK
    I hear these diff’rences night and day
    He’s an audyofile and he’s OK
    He hears these diff’rences night and day


    I cut down these
    Who say there’re aren’t
    Big differences in wire
    Those diff’rences are present
    And not just our desire

    He cuts down these
    Who say there’re aren’t
    Big differences in wire
    Those diff’rences are present
    And not just his desire
    He’s an audyofile and he’s OK
    He hears these diff’rences night and day


    I batter these
    Who say CDs
    Sound same with bigger bill
    I say ‘cos to your hearing
    It’s undiscernible

    He batters these
    Who say CDs
    Sound same with higher bill
    He says ‘cos to their hearing
    It’s undiscernible
    He’s an audyofile and he’s OK
    He hears these diff’rences night and day


    Their style it cramps
    Because all amps
    Do not sound much the same
    I only bring the message
    I can’t be held to blame.

    Their style it cramps
    Because all amps
    Do not sound much the same
    He only brings the message
    He can’t be held to blame.

    I’m an audyofile and I’m OK
    I hear these diff’rences night and day
    He’s an audyofile and he’s OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
    Hehearsthesediff’rencesnightandday!


    Mains!

    Dedicated to Roy K. Riches, pfm’s main man. To the Beatles’ “Chains”.

    Mains! Roy Riches’s got me locked up in mains
    And they give me ‘ell-ectricity
    Oh, oh these mains of hi-fi power got a hold on me, yeah

    Mains, my poor old system’s gone down the drains
    Just can’t make the sounds I need for me
    Oh, oh, these mains stop the music flow and make life purgat’ry
    I wanna hear my system sound good
    I think it’s fine
    Mountains of Mana
    But my system, it’s imprisoned by these

    Mains, I really want to blow out my brains
    For dese hi-fi tings really get to me
    Oh, oh, these mains just spur me on and never let me be, yeah.

    Please believe me when I tell you
    My power cord’s fine
    Ditto my cables
    But I really need to fix up these
    Mains, my system’s started showing its strains
    And a big rewire and new circuitry
    Oh, oh these mains are gonna need, to set electrons free, yeah.

    Silver litz and golden cables

    The words "silver litz" appeared on a post in HFC, and my strange head filled in the phrase "and golden cables" (from the old Springfields' song "Silver threads and golden needles"). It sounded like the cue for a song:

    I don’t want expensive systems, one in every single room
    I just want the sound they promised without tizz and without boom
    But you think I should be happy with that money spent on name
    Products that no synergism have and sound boring and lame.

    Chorus:
    Silver litz and golden cables cannot mend this sound of mine
    It just doesn’t hang together in a way that does define
    Soundstage three-dimensional with slamming bass and highs refined
    So I hang around in forums and indulge in lots of w(h)ine


    I once had a small, cheap system, and I really loved it so
    But the dealers’ golden promise made my aspirations grow
    So I started on the upgrade path, it cost me lots of dough
    But it brought me no more pleasure, now I sing this song of woe

    Chorus:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2007
    tones, Apr 13, 2006
    #2
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  3. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 3

    Electrons go round and round

    To Ella Fitzgerald’s “The music goes round and round”

    I press the little switch here
    Electrons go 'round and around
    Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-an’
    Music comes out here
    I press that valve amp switch
    Electrons go down and around
    Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-an’
    Music comes out here
    I lower that tone arm down
    The record goes round and sound bellows
    Bellows, bellows, deedle-dee-ho-ho-ho
    Listen to the PRaT come out
    I push the loud knob down
    Electrons go 'round and around
    Whoa-ho-ho-ho-an’-mo’
    Music comes out here

    The US Speaker Song

    To a possibly familiar tune:

    O, say, can you hear
    By showroom’s blazing light
    What so loudly we heard
    That we just stopped from screaming
    Whose broad base and high towers
    Of a perilous height
    From whose ramparts big notes
    Were so audibly streaming
    And woofers’ loud blare
    Made to stand up your hair
    And so did the price
    ‘Cos the tag was still there
    O, say does the Star-Spangled Banner still rave
    O’er sheer quantity, for a lounge like a nave!

    The HOBBY Anthem

    To a possibly familiar tune.

    HOBBY, our gracious dream
    Of hearers we, the cream
    All praise Thy Name
    Send us new ca-ables
    So we are a-able
    To propagate more fables
    And increase Thy fame!

    HOBBY, we sing to Thee
    Thou our Example be
    To Thee we bow
    Please send us lots of toys
    So that our endless joys
    Will be the envy of the boys
    (At least for now)

    As for those foul sceptics
    Filled with their knavish tricks
    Do them confound
    Make Thou their payment dear
    Cause them to shed a tear
    Knowing that they will never hear
    Thy wondrous sound

    We, the elite of flock
    Shall continue to rock
    For evermore
    And fin’lly at the end
    To heav’n our way will wend
    For aye in Great Sweet Spot to spend
    And Thee adore!

    The Believer and the Sceptic

    To the tune of “The farmer and the cowboy” from Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!”

    Oh the sceptics and believers should be friends
    Oh the sceptics and believers should be friends
    Sceptics think their brains they’ve left
    B’lievers think they’re all stone-deaf
    But that’s no reason why they can’t be friends

    Chorus:

    Hifi-lovin’ folk should stick together
    Hifi-lovin’ folk should all be pals
    Underneath it all we’re of a feather
    We should see each other as equals!


    I’d like to say a word for the sceptics
    They seek to use methods empirical
    In their search to find the facts, which the believers so lack
    And they fail to find what’s clearly there, hysterical!

    Chorus

    I’d like to say a word for believers
    Of scientific method we’re not fearin’
    But for assessment of gear, test it only with your ears
    An’ exactly what they want to hear they’re hearin’

    Chorus

    Thick as a Brik

    I’ve never heard Linn Isobarik speakers (“Briks”) and would therefore not presume to comment on them, but I couldn’t resist the old Jethro Tull number:

    Really don’t mind if you hear this one out
    This IC’s a whisper, but this one’s a SHOUT!
    The sound field is wider, much more than you think
    And the PRaT gets your tootsies, they tap in a wink
    With such wires the bargain is sealed
    And you make with your salesman big deals
    And he’s glad you don’t know how it feels
    To be thick as a Brik.

    With the sandcastle that was your doubts swept away
    In the tide of peer pressure, me-too wins the day
    You’re one of the gold ears, you hear just like they
    You just mind your Manas, diff’rence night and day
    With your power cord all silvery gleam
    And your CDs all fresh-edged with green
    You’ll ne’er see, to others, you’re seen
    To be thick as a Brik.


    2. CABLE SONGS

    Nothing raises excitement levels to the same extent as discussions on cables. My personal viewpoint is that wire is wire is wire, so I waste no time or money on the subject. But it does make for goods song material…

    James, James, Morrison, Morrison, or, the Cable Salesman’s Song

    You know that it can’t be untrue
    You know that I can’t be a liar
    Signals that my cords go through
    Quality can’t get much higher

    C’mon, baby, buy my wire
    Sets your music right on fire
    So I can think to retire!

    The time for hesitation is through
    No time to stay with sounds so dire
    Try now, you can only lose
    Your duos will sound like whole choir

    C’mon, baby, buy my wire…

    With wires of silver (tongue is too),
    A whole new product line to sire
    So good, burn-in, in my view
    ‘S useful as a funeral pyre.

    C’mon, baby, buy my wire…

    Those sceptics they can just say boo
    Content to wallow in the mire
    They’re doubly blind to what I do
    Don’t know, can’t hear, so just deny ‘er

    C’mon, baby, buy my wire…

    Das Kabellied

    To the tune of the Deutschlandlied, Germany’s national anthem. The version used here is the English hymn tune version (generally to accompany John Newton’s “Glorious things of Thee are spoken”), with the slightly modified last two lines, which, unlike the German anthem, are not repeated.

    Kabeln, Kabeln, joining alles
    Alles in our hi-fi chain
    Only passing sound? A falla-
    Cy that credence must not gain
    Give the sound a broad Coherence
    Make your music Krystal clear
    You should brook no interference
    To the joy they give your ear.

    Nasty sceptics ever critical
    Seek to spoil our Audio-quest
    Pretend to be scientifical
    But in fact our views detest
    They say, “Sil(ly) tech!”, come, mouths frothing,
    Loudly in the van, then Hul-
    Abaloo cause over nothing
    They are talking loads of bull

    Glorious things to us are cables
    Not a thing to be ignord-
    “Ostentatious!” folk us label
    But the best we will afford
    Silver, carbon, gold and copper
    PTFE-coated, so
    Classic, rock, jazz, rap, hip-hopper
    Joy to all who’re in the know!

    P.S. Useless Information Department:

    1. The magnificent tune was written originally for Austria by Franz Josef Haydn (it is identified as “Austria” in English hymn books). The original first line was Gott erhalte Franz den Kaiser (God preserve Emperor Francis).

    2. It was inspired by (believe it or not) “God save the King”, which was the first National Anthem in the modern sense.

    3. Should anyone be interested, the German words of the verse used (the third) are:

    Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit
    für das deutsche Vaterland!
    Danach lasst uns alle streben
    brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!
    Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit
    sind des Glückes Unterpfand;
    blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes,
    blühe, deutsches Vaterland.
    blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes,
    blühe, deutsches Vaterland.


    (Unity, Justice and Freedom
    For the German Fatherland.
    This is what we all must strive for,
    Brotherly with heart and hand.
    Unity, Justice and Freedom
    Are the foundation for happiness.
    Bloom in the radiance of this happiness,
    Bloom, oh German Fatherland.
    (repeat last two lines)

    4. Contrary to enduring rumour, it is not forbidden to sing the first verse (Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, or as Michael Flanders put it, “German, German overalls”).

    The Cable Fan’s Song

    Written at the time when Wigwam came into existence. There was (naturally) a cable war raging at the time and Wigwam was perceived to be more cable-friendly. Tune is Irving Berlin’s 1950 hit “I hear singing and there’s no one there”.

    I hear diff’rence when there's not one there
    Diff’rent sounds ‘twixt silver, copper pair
    Better silver when burned-in with care
    I wonder why, (it’s not a lie)
    Folk hear nothing, I hear day and night
    Burned-in silver makes my sounds take flight
    I’m so sure I’m ready for a fight
    If sceptics start to try this to deny

    It’s not really so surprisin'
    It don't need analyzin'
    That you hear very strange but nice
    Audiophiles ears golden
    Simply are not beholden
    To natural laws that don’t suffice
    To explain what you’re hearin’
    Justifyin’ can be wearing
    Wilfully ignorant just make light
    Tell it all within Wigwam
    ‘Bout highs higher, bass more slam
    We’ll believe and we will see you right!

    It’s Cables again…

    To Supertramp’s “It’s raining again”

    It's cables again
    Oh no, the subject’s a pain
    Everyone argues in vain
    Discussion goes down the drain
    Oh no, it's cables again
    We end up losing a friend.
    Because there’s never an end
    And fences never will mend.
    Oh no, it's cables again
    You're old enough some people say
    To read the signs and walk away
    Unlike the wire, both sides won’t bend
    One hears, one doesn’t, story’s end
    It's cables again
    Oh no, patience at an end.
    Oh no, it's cables again
    Too bad I'm losing a friend.
    C'mon, you little fighters
    No need to get uptighter
    Stop being a backbiter
    And arguing in vain
    No arguing in vain
    Participate again...

    You’ve got me under your dielectric

    From Cole Porter’s great standard “I’ve got you under my skin”

    You’ve got me under your dielectric
    You’ve got me deep in the wire of you
    So deep in your wire, that it’s really dire for you
    You’ve got me under your dielectric

    You’ve tried so not to be apoplectic
    You’ve tried to ignore it when scepticism gives you more pain
    But you simply have no resistance, e’en though you’ll short out again
    I’m really under your dielectric

    You’d sacrifice anything, come what might
    For the sake of winning the fight
    In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
    And repeats, repeats in your ear

    “Don’t you know you fool, you never can win
    Use your mentality, wake up to reality”
    But each time you do, just the thought that you
    Might impede, perhaps even sound eclectic
    ’Cause you’ve got me under your dielectric

    Night and day

    From the great Porter standard of the same name.

    Like the beat beat beat of the tom-tom
    When the jungle shadows fall
    Like the tick tick tock of the stately clock
    As it stands against the wall
    Like the drip drip drip of the raindrops
    When the summer shower is through
    So my freshly-added cable plays them true, true, true

    Night and day, diff’rences won-
    derful can be heard, which adds so much to listening fun
    The treble’s sparkling star
    And Mach 3 bass and mid-range clar-
    ity, diff’rence is

    Night and day, day and night, why is it so
    That in spite of the sceptics this diff’rence follows wherever I go
    In the roaring traffic's boom
    In the silence of my lonely room
    I hear them still

    Night and day, night and day
    Under the hide of me
    There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
    And this torment won't be through
    Until I buy a further IC or two
    Day and night, night and day

    Road to joy?

    This one’s a remodelling of Friedrich Schiller’s poem „An die Freude“(Ode to Joy), as famously set to music in Beethoven’s 9th. Symphony:

    Kabel, Schöner Götterfunken,
    Tochter aus Elysium,
    Wir betreten feuertrunken,
    Himmlische, dein Heiligtum!
    Deine Zauber binden wieder,
    Alle Boxen streng geteilt;
    All’ Audiophools werden Brüder,
    „Tag und Nacht“ hört man weit.


    (Cable, lovely divine spark,
    Daughter of Elysium,
    Drunk with fiery rapture, Goddess,
    We approach thy shrine!
    Thy magic reunites
    Those boxes that fashion has separated;
    All audiophools will become brothers
    “Day and night” is widely heard.)

    The Audiophool Jewelry Song

    Tune is “Baubles, bangles and beads” from “Kismet”

    Baubles, dangle, hear how they sing, single-lingle
    ICs tangle, fat shiny leads
    Bright, new-fangled, gold phonos bring, bringle-lingle
    Sound, not jangle, perfect indeed
    Whole greater than bits’ sum
    Whether grooves or pits. Come
    That great day, when they’ll no more with cheap cables mingle
    Hi-fi, sky high, that’s where I’ll be
    ‘Cos if it looks right, must sound right, I day and night
    Hearing baubles, dangled, and leads.

    The Blue Max Song

    Max was keen on burning-in and sharp-eared non-audiophile friends who could hear the differences thus caused, and he had a horror of twin flex as speaker wire.

    Blue_Max has a curious notion
    If he takes some cable and he
    Puts ‘lectrons in long-lasting motion
    It won’t sound like twin-flex to we.

    Chorus:
    Twin-flex! Twin-flex!
    It all sounds like twin-flex to me, to me!
    Twin-flex! Twin-flex!
    It all sounds like twin-flex to me!


    Burn-in’s a phenomenon unknown
    To those trained scientific’lly
    From Max, this elicits a big groan
    It’s not that far from heresy.

    Chorus:

    For Max, who, one end to the other
    Is audiophile quite simply,
    Hears differences without much bother
    Sharp ears triumph over theory!

    Chorus:

    Last night as Max lay on his pillow
    Last night as Max lay on his bed
    A new course his thoughts they did follow
    And one that did fill him with dread.

    Chorus:

    “What IF those who lack my perception
    Like Still Tones, CJ, adb
    Are right and ‘mong wires no exception
    Exists, could twin-flex be for me?

    Chorus:

    “No, NEVER!! Such thoughts are abhorrent!
    And I reject them utterly!
    No quality cable I’ll warrant
    Will E’ER sound like twin-flex to me!”

    Chorus:

    “My golden ears (there are none fairer)
    My ego, my pride, guarantee
    That ne’er can I admit to error
    And therefore it never can be…”

    …that…

    Chorus:

    The Cable Passion

    From the Hassler chorale O Haupt voll Blut und Wunden ("O Sacred Head, sore wounded")from Bach's St. Matthew Passion:

    O sacred cables, winding
    Each sacred box unite
    Our ears forever finding
    Their influ’nce never slight
    On sounds produced from set-up
    They have us in their sway
    And so we’ll never let up
    Throwing money away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2007
    tones, Apr 13, 2006
    #3
  4. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 4

    The unChristmassy Christmas carol

    One lacking all the usual peace-on-earth, goodwill-to-cable-sceptics sentiments of the season.

    O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant,
    O come ye, to heap scorn on scepticism;
    come, and behold who can't distinguish cables;
    Refrain:
    O come, let us abhor them,
    O come, let us abhor them,
    O come, let us abhor them,
    Priceless bores!


    Sods who're odd, testers blind infernal
    lo! mere abortions seeking to cast gloom
    misbegotten sons full of bother;
    Refrain

    Bring ropes of cables, swing in exultation,
    swing all the sceptics from high trees above;
    glory, believers, hearing is believing;
    Refrain

    When we've no sceptics to ask awkward questions
    Ang'ring us with objectivity
    We urestrain-ed humbug propogating ;
    Refrain

    Yea, newbies greet we, absent from all scorning
    guiding their steps in right paths of hi-fi
    belief in magic stands, cords, ICs, cables;
    Refrain

    The Silver Cable Song

    To the tune of “Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious†from Disney's “Mary Poppinsâ€Â:

    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!
    Makes a sound that's big and round and lush and soft as sable
    Brings coherence to a sound resembling Tower of Babel
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!
    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    I used to be afraid to hear
    When I was just a lad
    They said my hi-fi needs a tweak
    Because it sounds so bad
    But then one day I heard the words
    That saved my battered ears
    It set me free, established me
    And silenced all the jeers-oh
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!
    Better than that other stuff adorned with fancy label
    Add a pair you'll find that they your hi-fi will enable
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!
    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
    I never tire to hear this wire
    That has my list'ning altered
    Had I but known the latent joys
    I never would have faltered
    Use right now and it will wow
    And it will change your life
    One night I proved it to my friends
    And even to my wife!
    (And a cloth-eared wife she is too!)
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!
    Sceptics deaf and quite bereft would have you think it's fable
    But just crank it up and they will dive under the table
    Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable!

    The biwiring song

    Some guy put this strange concept over
    “You connect two wires,†said he
    “Thus eliminating crossoverâ€Â
    “It sounds so much better to me!â€Â

    Buy wire! Biwire!
    Biwired sounds better to me, to me!
    Buy wire! Biwire!
    Biwired sounds better to me!


    This sounded an idea germinal
    I thought I would suck it and see
    But when I plied signal to terminal
    There wasn't a difference to me.

    No more, no more
    No more biwiring for me, for me!
    No more, no more
    No more biwiring for me!


    The I-want-believers-to-unbelieve Song

    To the tune of “Smile†from the Charlie Chaplin film “Modern Timesâ€Â, music by Chaplin himself:

    Try, though their eyes are aching
    Try, though their hearts are breaking
    Although their ears hear what they want to hear
    You must try, much as you are able
    So that belief in cable
    Will depart from them by and by
    If you just try.

    The Van den Hul Song

    Remember the old Richard Green TV series “Robin Hood†with its famous theme song:

    Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen,
    Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men
    ?

    Well, I thought this would be a suitable song for another hero who robs the rich to give to, er, himself basically, namely Mr. A.J. van den Hul.

    How to pronounce “Hulâ€Â? Well, according to my tame native Dutch speakers, the “u†sound in this case falls between those in “dull†and in “pull†– probably the nearest in English is the one in “buryâ€Â. So, I've having it both ways and rhyming it with “dull†in the first and third refrains and “pull†in the second and fourth:

    Van den Hul, van den Hul, scientific sleaze
    Van den Hul, looks for gul-ible folks to fleece
    Trade mark should be crossed bones and skull
    Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul


    He called the greatest con men to a tavern near the dike
    They vowed to sell a cable with price hike
    Their rhetoric was ready, their distortions were in place
    And they spouted it forth with straight face.

    Van den Hul is no fool when it comes to bend
    Every rule taught at school, should it somehow lend
    Credence to his pulling the wool
    Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul


    He castigates those wires made of metal by drawing
    To justify his carbon (that's his thing)
    Like other cable con-men he gives facts unusual twist
    Solves problems that really don't exist.

    Van den Hul, like seagull, soars hyperbole
    Van den Hul, never dull, humbugs happily
    Seeking believing folk to lull
    Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul


    Burn-in, he says, are tunnels formed in cables on the floor
    Electrons pass more easily, sounds soar
    But when they're vacuum-cleaned the tunnelling is all in vain
    It takes a week before they're back again.

    Van den Hul's line of bull, is a real show-stopper
    Van den Hul, audio ghoul, master of the whopper
    Snake oil abounds, knee-deep in pools
    Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul.


    The Cable Lifter Song

    What shall we do with a floor-laid cable
    What shall we do with a floor-laid cable
    What shall we do with a floor-laid cable
    To enhance its sounding?

    Hoor-ray and up she rises
    Hoor-ray and up she rises
    Hoor-ray and up she rises
    Improvement resounding!

    Raise 'em from the floor to counter static
    Differences found will be dramatic
    Really big improvement automatic
    Ignore sceptics' hounding

    Hoor-ray and up she rises
    Hoor-ray and such surprises
    Hoor-ray we know who's wisest
    Sceptics sure confounding!

    When you wish upon a wire

    From Jiminy Cricket's song in Disney's “Pinocchioâ€Â:

    When you wish upon a wire
    Makes no diff'rence if it's dire
    Listen with your heart and hear your dreams come true
    Whether copper, silver gleams
    No perception's too extreme
    When you wish upon a wire, you'll have a clue!

    HOBBY's kind, He brings to those who long
    The sweet fulfilment of their secret longing

    Like a bolt out of the blue, 'lectrons flow and sound is new
    When you wish upon a wire, your dreams come true.

    3. MANA SONGS

    I have a special affection for Mana, because it was Mana, or more correctly its failure to do anything for anything placed thereon that started me down the road to hi-fi scepticism. I also loved the quasi-religious cult feeling of the old Mana website, the absurdly inflated performance claims, the bitterness of the, er, discussions and the competition for JW's favour – always reminded me of the old Belfast shipyard saying, “Ah tried to crawl up the boss's a***, Jimmy, but ah cuddn't git up fer yur legs hangin' downâ€Â. However, Mana has given a lot of pleasure to a lot of people and I was sorry to see that Mana is now apparently out of business.

    The Captain of the Mana Forum

    To the tune of G&S's “I am the captain of the Pinafore from – you could never guess what…

    I am the captain of the Mana For'm
    (And a right good captain too!)
    You are very, very good and I wish it understood
    That we have a right good crew
    (We are very, very good and he wish it understood
    That we are a right good crew)
    Tho' it's nowt but glass and steel
    It really gives a feel
    To music that induces glee
    And I swear my angle iron
    Really sets the gear on fire'n
    I never use hyperbole
    (What, never?)
    No, never!
    (What, NEVER?)
    Weeeellll, hardly ever!
    (Hardly ever use hyperboleeeeeeeee)
    Thennnnnn – give three cheers and one cheer more
    For the modest Captain of the Mana For'm
    Then give three cheers and one cheer more
    Forrrrrrrr - the Captain of the Mana For'm!

    I do my best to satisfy you all
    (And you make us right content!)
    You are very, very fine, and I wish to underline
    That your praise is so well meant!
    (We are very, very fine, and he wish to underline
    That our praise is so well meant!)
    With non-ferrous stainless spikes,
    And racks, I'm sure your likes
    Will be catered for more perfectly
    But more Phase is what you wants, your perfection to enhance,
    But not enhance my pounds and p.
    (What, never?)
    No, never!
    (What, NEVER?)
    Weeeellll, hardly ever!
    (Hardly ever enhance pounds and ppppppppp)
    Thennnnnn – give three cheers and one cheer more
    For the altruistic Captain of the Mana For'm
    Then give three cheers and one cheer more
    Forrrrrr - the Captain of the Mana For'm!

    Manadiemus!

    From Carl Jenkins's “Adiemusâ€Â. The language of this one isn't imaginary, the effect is.

    Mana, Mana, gives you feeling
    Mana, Mana, to the ceiling
    Mana, Mana, angle iron 'n' glassy plate
    Listen listen to the sounding
    Listen how edged notes are rounding
    Just because your stuff is grounded, really great!

    Mana, Mana, never leave us
    Mana, Mana, we believe as
    Ne'er before that music's tedious when you're gone
    Mana, hoor-i-yay!
    Mana-hoor-i-yayyyyy!


    The New Mana Believer's Song

    O happy day! (O happy day!)
    O happy da-ay-ay! (O happy day!)
    When Mana washed (When Mana washed)
    Oh yeah, when it washed (When Mana washed)
    When Mana washed (When Mana washed)
    A-all my doubts away (O happy day!
    O happy day! O happy day)


    It taught me how to eschew gimmickray
    (Gimmickray!)
    And live rejoicing hearing night and day!
    (Night and day!)

    O happy day! (O happy day!)
    O happy day-ay-ay! (O happy day!)
    When negative (When negative)
    Oh-oh negative (When negative)
    When negative (When negative)
    Things turn out positive-lay (Positive-lay! O happy day!
    O happy day! O happy day)


    That I no longer vast piles have to pay!
    (Have to pay!)
    For wires, green pens, stands, and stuff such as they
    (Such as they!)

    O happy day! (O happy day!)
    O happy da-ay-ay! (O happy day!)
    That I can laugh (I can laugh)
    Oh yeah, I can laugh (I can laugh)
    I can laugh (I can laugh)
    At magazine idio-say (O happy day!
    O happy day! O happy day)


    The Mana Phase Song

    Observers will know that, the more Mana “phases†you add, the better it gets, defying completely the law of diminishing returns. Here's a guide:

    This old Man(a)
    On Phase 1
    Things sound better, twice the fun
    Textures from the mud come out clean and bright
    This old Mana seen the light

    This old Man(a)
    On Phase 2
    Adds Soundstage, adjusts the screws
    Startling music gains, big Epiphany!
    PRaTs and grooves more tunefully

    This old Man(a)
    Now Phase 3
    Add and adjust carefully
    Tunes are followed now like I've never heard
    You should buy some, take my word!

    This old Man(a)
    At Phase 4
    Ever further from the floor
    Still it simply gets better all the time
    Got no Manas? That's a crime!

    This old Man(a)
    Hits Phase 5
    Music seems much more alive
    Ladder needed now, record for to change
    I don't care if wife estranged.

    This old Man(a)
    Stainless spikes
    Musical'ty hits new heights
    Crisp and clean and clear, more of everything
    This tweak makes your music ring.

    This old Man(a)
    Logo's new
    You now need a gross or two
    Smooth in, Gothic out, elegant new letters
    I could swear it all sounds better

    This old Man(a)
    Stainless frame
    Non-magnetic is the aim
    Stunning looks and sounds better than before
    Painful jaw from hitting floor

    This old Man(a)
    To phase 6
    Music is my major fix
    Room completely bare, furniture is sold
    Buys more Mana, audio gold!

    This old Man(a)
    At Phase 7
    Mana truly is from heaven!
    Well, I'm almost there, why am I surprised?
    Watson should be canonised!

    This old Man(a)
    Now Phase 8
    Playing music dawn to late
    Feet tap all the time, really it's not fair
    Costs a bomb in shoe repair

    This old Man(a)
    At Phase 9
    Hard to breathe here, need air line
    MoA demands flashing warning lights
    To divert incoming flights

    This old Man(a)
    Reached Phase 10
    'Fraid I'll have to start again
    Slipped on permafrost, whole lot fell down too
    Where's my spanner? Lots to screw.
     
    tones, Apr 13, 2006
    #4
  5. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 5

    The last bit - I promise! It's just that I keep running out of time when I try to put on too much.

    4. TWEAK SONGS

    Various songs about various tweaks.

    The smart little clock song

    This was the copy by the infamous Machina Dynamica

    http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina41.htm

    of the equally infamous Tice Clock, which “Stereovile” reported as working

    http://www.stereophile.com/miscellaneous/784/index3.html

    which gives you some idea as to how trustworthy is “Stereovile”.

    My small, clever clock looked so small on the shelf
    Of the hi-fi that sat on the floor
    It was smaller by far than the hi-fi itself
    But it sure made that hi-fi set roar
    For the sounds that came out, were far better, there’s no doubt
    And the soundstage was deep, tall and wide
    But it stopped short, never to come again
    When my small clock died

    Refrain

    Better sound without rumbling
    Tick-tock, tick-tock
    Those nay-sayers humbling
    Tick-tock, tick-tock
    It stopped short, never to come again
    When my small clock died


    My small clever clock’s not connected at all
    To the gear, which provokes endless schism
    Why they do what they do, I for one have no clue
    But they do, which confounds scepticism.
    It amazes that quartz in a clock can in sound warts
    And all really convincingly hide.
    But it stopped short, never to come again
    When my small clock died

    Refrain

    My small clever clock with my sound really dealt
    So that nothing at all did it lack
    Effects like those found by that smart Mr. Belt
    And the belt for the clock would be black
    The improvement was there, so I went and bought a pair
    And I thought the results would abide
    But they stopped short, never to come again
    When my small clocks died.

    Refrain

    My small clever clocks I just had to replace
    So I bought me a dozen or more
    What an upgrade they made! Stuck all over the place
    And my friends found me such a great bore
    Sceptics like to revile, what was said in “Stereophile”
    But they might as well try stop the tide
    But it stopped short, never to come again
    When my small clocks died

    Refrain

    The Shun Mook Song

    http://www.shunmook.com/connect.htm

    Dedicated to a recent bunch of con-artists, er, audiophool retailers, to the tune of Stephen Foster’s “De Camptown Races”:

    Oh the Shun Mook dealers sing this song
    Doodads! doodads!
    The Shun Mook stuff goes on and on
    Doodads! doodads! hey!
    Doodads they made of wood
    Coming from Africay
    Oh I’ll bet my money that mpingo discs
    To better sound are the way.

    Oh the Shun Mook thing’mys look the part
    Doodads! doodads!
    Those funny black discs stole my heart
    Doodads! doodads! hey!
    Suckin’ the bad vibes in
    Lettin’ the good sound out
    For improved dynamics and a big soundstage
    Caused by the discs there’s no doubt.

    Oh the Shun Mook sceptics sing this song
    Too bad! Too bad!
    The silly gits have got it wrong
    Much too bad for they
    Music yo’ play all night
    Diff’rences night and day
    What they’re missin’ they don’t have a single clue
    They’ve only lost their way.

    Oh the Shun Mook wood is getting rare
    Doodads! doodads!
    One has to buy while it’s still there
    Doodads! doodads! hey!
    Doin’ without’s not right
    Prepared the price to pay
    Oh I’ll pay whatever price that Shun Mook wants
    For eternal sound qualitay!

    Stoned

    You have all seen the infamous hysterical Machina Dynamica pebbles:

    http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina17.htm

    I thought they deserved an appropriate song, so here is my version of a tune by one Robert Zimmermann, originally entitled “Rainy Day Women Nos. 12 and 35”

    The stones you put on hi-fi in glass jars
    No bones about it, they perform like stars
    Full-grown and clear the sound comes warbling out
    They hone the sound to perfection, no doubt!
    But so I would not feel so all alone
    Everybody must get stoned!

    The stones absorb vibration really good
    The tones emerge from speakers as they should
    The foaming mouths of sceptics? Pay no heed
    They moan without e’er having done the deed
    But so I would not feel so all alone
    Everybody must get stoned!

    “Those stones!” folk say, “they’re just a pile of pebbles!”
    But groaning stops when first they hear the trebles
    At home they start off thinking you’re a loon.
    But own a jar, they’ll also change their tune
    But so I would not feel so all alone
    Everybody must get stoned!

    The Dotty Song

    Zanash is a man with an open mind on all tweaks, even if the tweak involves sticking paper dots on speakers and walls to improve the sound. Tune from “The Trolley Song”, which appeared in the 1944 film “Meet me in St. Louis”:

    With my high-end speakers and my new ICs
    And my speaker stands loaded down with lead
    I had a quick listen to see what I’m missin’ and lost my heart instead
    With his tiny circles and his sticky stuff
    He was the cleverest of men
    He stuck them all over, I listened, bowled over, and listened all over again

    Dot, dot, dot went the Zanash
    Big, big, big was the sound
    Joy, joy, joy did my ears feel
    It was all much more spacious and round

    He stuck them on, and took a seat
    He said he’d often staggered people with this feat
    The things I heard just took my breath
    The new-found realism scared me half to death

    Dot, dot, dot, went the Zanash
    Sing, sing, sing went my gear
    Stop! Stop! Stop! cried my wallet
    But when he went to leave I took hold of his sleeve with my hand
    And as if it were planned he stayed and then we
    Stuck more until of the room there remained not a single clear spot
    Under wall-to-wall dot!

    The Abrasive Titanic Song

    Dedicated to those who improve the sound of their CDs by roughening the edges, to the great hymn tune.

    Carbide with me as my sound starts to slide
    The darkness deepens, but I have carbide
    When all my discs have failing frequency
    I can restore them, have carbide with me

    I need thy presence every passing hour
    Only with thee do I retain the power
    I take sand, glass, corundum, SiC
    And sand my edges, O, carbide with me.

    I need no pens to edge with green or black
    Nor fancy gadgets my edge to cut back
    Goop on the surface? Irrelevancy!
    Just need slight roughening, carbide with me.

    I ply abrasive before doubtful eyes
    Lifts tone from gloom and raise it to the skies
    All is improved, cynics’ vain shadows flee
    All sounds well when I have carbide with me.

    The Tweaker’s Song

    To a possibly all-too-familiar tune

    Imagine there’s a difference
    It’s such an easy thing
    Tho’ it’s just copper under
    PTFE coating
    Imagine all the faithful
    Jaws upon the floor oh-oh
    You may say the firms are schemers
    But you only want to spoil
    The pleasure of our pleasure
    Of swimming in deep snake oil.

    Imagine there’s a difference
    With dots upon the wall
    And dots upon the speakers
    And dots placed overall
    Imagine all the faithful
    Hearing better sound, oh-oh
    You may say that I am dotty
    But I’m not the only one
    There are so many potty
    Trained so they don’t think they’ve been done.

    Imagine there’s a difference
    It’s easy if you want
    To have enhanced perception
    Before the herd to flaunt
    Imagine all the feeble
    Looking up to you oh-oh
    Your CD edges so much greener
    And also demagnetised
    Herd will want to be like you
    And you will be glorified.

    The Lathe Song

    A tribute to the "CD-Sound-Improver" of Audiodesk Systeme Gläss:

    http://www.audiodesksysteme.de/index.php?kat=10

    Lathe, ill vice
    At high price
    Skims acrylic from CD
    In a trice
    Makes sound nice
    Say folk happy to fleece thee
    Bevel precise said to stop stray light
    In its flight to D/A
    Better byte
    Clean and bright
    Differences night and day

    So it’s said
    By those wed
    To beliefs in strange tweaking
    Plus obscene
    Magazines
    Golden-eared and self-seeking
    Reduced protection for alumin-
    -Yum is dim, not clever
    Too thin? Then, oxygen
    Wrecks your CDs forever.

    The Keel Song

    Dedicated to Linn's latest upgrade, to a possibly familiar tune.

    As I cam’ thro' Glasgae, thro' Glasgae, thro' Glasgae;
    As I cam’ thro' Glasgae I heard a lassie sing:
    “Weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go:
    Weel may the Keel go, yon wee expensive thing”.
    And weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go:
    Weel may the Keel go, yon wee expensive thing.


    Ye need too an Ekos, an Ekos, an Ekos;
    Ye need too an Ekos, the model called SE.
    Weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go:
    Wi’ Ekos on top-oh, a steal at thousands three.
    And weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go:
    Wi’ Ekos on top-oh, makes Ivor dance wi’ glee.


    The Phonosophie Room-Amimator Song I

    For lovers of the wee blue light:

    Blue, blue, my light is blue
    Cost me a bomb, but what could I do?
    Red, red, my account’s dead
    But better sound, what more need be said?

    Ray, ray, forget naysay-
    Ers, diff’rence great, indeed night and day,
    Quartz, quartz, it takes the warts
    And all from music, cannot be rort

    How it works, we have not a clue
    But work it does, we have heard and it’s true.

    Beam, beam, it makes eyes gleam
    Blue LED, kit sounds like a dream
    Sound, sound, that, pound for pound
    Makes for an upgrade really profound

    Those who say, it can’t go this way
    Don’t want to hear what’s plain as day.

    Green, green, and quite obscene
    With envy are those sceptic has-beens
    Black, black, s’not goin’ back
    When it’s switched off, apparent’s the lack.

    It’s heard by all, not just in the head
    Even my wife, who is both deaf and dead.

    Blue, blue, next comes a new
    Gold magic wand and cable ones too
    Grey, grey, I’ll hear all day,
    New Age of sound, don’t care what folk say!


    The Phonosophie Room-Animator Song II

    Well ma baby caught me list’nin',
    To a weird blue light today,
    Well ma baby caught me list’nin',
    To a weird blue light today,
    So she tossed both it an’ me out
    An’ as I landed, heard her say.

    Chorus:
    See ya later, Animator,
    It’s so vile, such a pile
    Of a fluid whose creator
    Was a legless long reptile.
    There’s no way ah’m gonna share life
    With a crazy audiophile!

    So ah begged her for forgiveness
    An’ ah said ah’d seen the light
    So ah begged her for forgiveness
    An’ ah said ah’d seen the light
    An’ she said, “Ah’ll forgive this time
    Long as the light yo’ saw was white!”

    Chorus:

    Donna what ah’m gonna do now
    With all these crystals that I got
    Donna what ah’m gonna do now
    With all these crystals that I got
    An’ they don’ seem to be healin’
    Where ah landed on mah bot!


    Chorus:

    The Teleportation Song

    Machina Dynamica's latest con, the “Teleportation” tweak

    http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina60.htm

    deserved a song:

    Long distance information, wire me to Machina D.
    Help me fix my hi-fi by remote telephony
    I’ve seen it on the website and I wanna place a call
    My hi-fi’s sounding broken and it drives me up the wall

    Hear me, information, for the pebbles I have got
    There’s no doubt that they’re Brilliant, but the perfect answer not
    I’ve half a dozen Clever Clocks, which all keep perfect time
    But jes’ don’t seem with my assembled hi-fi gear to chime.

    I want a big improvement I can hear immediately
    Must have all that detail, texture, layers, air, you see
    I want that Teleported stuff in my hi-fi enshrined
    So I can show to my friends benefits of open mind.

    Oh, advanced telecommunications, please, while you’re in train
    Of sending my improvement, would you also find my brain
    I was convinced of your good stuff, I simply had no doubt
    My mind was just so open that the durn thing just fell out.

    Long distance information, my imploded head and me
    Are happy with the telephonic great tweak from MD
    It’s just as good as cable tweaks, makes diff’rence night and day
    All you need’s imagination with no brain stuck in the way!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2007
    tones, Apr 13, 2006
    #5
  6. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

    Joined:
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    Miscellaneous songs

    The Quad Song

    To the famous Rinkart/Crüger hymn Nun danket alle Gott (Now thank we all our God):

    How thankful we’re for Quad, for instruments and voices
    It wondrous things hath done, in which sound world rejoices
    From Walker’s earliest steps that sent Quad on its way
    With innovative gear that still sounds good today

    O may this bounteous Quad through all our lives be near us,
    With ever joyful sounds that never cease to cheer us;
    And keeps us from the craze to upgrade when perplexed;
    And frees us from the ill about what to buy next!

    All praise and thanks to Quad, which gives musical heaven
    Quad II, three-three, four-four, 303, fifty seven,
    Although we find it sad that Huntingdon’s no more;
    The Real Thing soldiers on, and shall for evermore.

    The Zanash Crystal Song

    To our resident crystallographer and believer in the power of SiO2:

    In a cavern, in a canyon
    Excavating in a mine
    Zanash looks for perfect crystal
    His hi-fi sound to refine

    Chorus:
    Oh my darling, oh, my darling,
    Oh, my darling tourmaline
    Crystal silicon dioxide
    Makes my sounds much more sublime


    Chorus:

    Tho’ no min’ral is more common
    As a building block you’ll find
    It does things bord’ring on Potter
    Hogwarts as hi-fi defined

    Chorus:

    For geologists, bananas
    But New Agers they opine
    Things improve with every hearing
    Just a bit like vintage wine.

    Chorus:

    Matters not if orthorhombic
    Simple trigonal, refined
    Tetragon- or hexagon-al
    All will make your sounds divine.

    Chorus:

    Place one near your hi-fi set-up
    Then sit back, and feel your mind
    Warm to all those good vibrations
    Please just leave your brains behind.

    Chorus:

    The ballad of Rudolf Hucker

    Dedicated to the HiFi Wigwam personality and LP12 lover, who went off to form a forum with other, er, hi-fi personalities:

    Born in the darkest depths of old UK
    Went to Sweden for floors to lay
    Laid also wife and soon there were three
    Built him a house from big long bits of tree

    Chorus:
    Rudooooolf, Rudolf Hucker!
    Wildest hi-fi frontier!


    Got him a hi-fi and began to hear
    An obsession that was soon to cost him dear
    Hated the Sondek, of that there’s no doubt
    But needed to buy four to find it out

    Chorus:

    Told it like it was (at least in his view)
    Those who said otherwise got short shrift too
    Had enough loitering within tent
    Formed him a forum and so off he went

    Chorus:

    His forum’s the loudest and (so he says) best
    Made from folk who’re banned from all the rest
    Plus lotsa cranks and weirdos as well
    Creating an audiophool version of hell!

    Chorus:

    The Hi-Fi Magazine Song

    To the tune of G&S's most famus patter song, "I am the very model of a modern major general":

    There’s Hi-Fi Choice and HiFi-Plus and HiFi News&RR
    The Absolute Sound, Stereophile, and What Hi-Fi? et caeterar
    The common link is hi-fi and they all spout endless reams of
    Odd prose that has reality a-groaning at the seams of
    They cannot simply say “sounds good”, sales-wise that is too chancy
    They have to pad their reviews with poetic flights of fancy
    They take themselves so seriously as if their garble mattered
    That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered
    That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered
    That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered
    That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling fla-ha-ha-hat-tered

    They propagate a stack of myths about ICs and cables
    The sort of tripe they put on paper’s nothing short of fables
    In short in matters audiophile, they can be trusted so far
    ‘sapprox’mately the distance one can throw a supertankar.

    Descriptions that are found therein are totally fantastic
    (By which I mean imagined and not great); iconoclastic
    Reviewers don’t exist who are prepared to damn and blast, trust-
    Worthy ones would surely be commercially disastrous
    So bits of wire become endowed with some peculiar magic
    (Which really would be funny if it weren’t completely tragic
    To see how souls are bought, a total moral abdication
    To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation)
    To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation
    To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation
    To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circula-ha-ha-ha-tion!

    And so we have to suffer evermore this onslaught verbal
    To some is music to their ears, to most it’s bloomin’ terrible
    In short, in matters sound their credibility is busted
    The noble hi-fi journalists should simply not be trusted

    They're always waxing lyrical 'bout sounds that are foot-tapping
    The bass is fast or clean or deep or gets your trousers flapping
    The treble's clear or grainy, splashy, pure, disperse, organic
    And if you cannot comprehend there is no need for panic
    The meaning of a term is just whatever they accord it
    Often in a case where, if you ask, you can’t afford it
    Of course that’s not their worry, as they get to play without charge
    And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large
    And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large
    And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large
    And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more lar-har-har-ge

    And so the prose is never drily technical but gushes
    Like Moses in the Bible, 'arken here and the bullrushes
    In short, don’t read the magazines if you wish to adjourn all this
    There’s none who talks such tripe to match the modern hi-fi journalist.

    The Hi-Fi Journalist's Song

    For those not so ancient as I, the tune is the marvellous Glenn Frey/Don Henley “Lyin’ Eyes”, which won an Emmy for The Eagles. It happens to be one of the few pop/rock songs I really like.

    Hi-fi journos seem to find out early
    How to open pockets with their style
    Of rich young guys, but also those who barely
    Scrape by, but who will always fall for guile

    There are times a hi-fi can sound homely
    Not the best perhaps, but still quite nice
    The thought then comes that it could sound awesomely
    With just a little upgrade, for a price.

    So he reaches for the mag that’s on the table
    Through all the purple prose he starts to wade
    Before long he’s decided that’s he’s able
    Tho’ short of means, to make his next upgrade.

    Chorus:
    You can hide your lyin’, guys
    Pulling wool o’er believing eyes
    Audiophools don’t realise
    Or perhaps don’t want to know you’re lyin’, guys


    On the other side of town a dealer’s waiting
    With sparking eyes and dreams so clear to see
    His cables in the mag have got good rating
    Ensuring victims soon right here will be

    A victim comes, the twosome come together
    The seed has fallen on some ground fertile
    Although he says it’s not ‘bout when but whether
    The dealer listens quietly with a smile.

    He knows the audiophool to be benighted
    Peer pressure is just too strong, you see
    Like cults, must be against the world united
    He knows he’ll buy the things eventually

    Chorus:

    The journo sits and pours himself a strong one
    Reality much better to deny
    A new report, it’s going to be a long one
    Before too long the humbug’s in full cry

    He never wonders how it got this crazy
    How he forgot the science learned at school
    If he got tired, or if he just got lazy
    Or just found out how easy folk are fooled

    My, oh my, you sure know how to ply it
    The lies, distortions, twists, hyperbole
    And it’s funny how your readers really buy it
    They’re just so willing to be conned, you see.

    Chorus:

    The Audiophool Christmas Carol

    May HOBBY bless you gentlemen upon this Christmas day
    And may your new CD player be cause of no dismay
    Sufficient drink will ensure improvements as plain as day
    For it’s hiding discomfort with joy
    Discomfort with joy
    And it’s hiding discomfort with joy

    Enjoy your fine new cables now, among the very best
    Engage imagination and they're different from the rest
    Ignore completely sceptics and their idiot blind test
    For it’s hiding discomfort with joy
    Discomfort with joy
    And it’s hiding discomfort with joy

    Who thinks Vinyl Solution’s myth, is extreme, but not right
    When one’s a true believer, there is diff’rence day and night
    So long as you don’t try to change the record when you’re tight
    For it’s hiding discomfort with joy
    Discomfort with joy
    And it’s hiding discomfort with joy

    And tweaks and stands are welcome for the miracle they bring
    Appropriate for season celebrating such a thing
    And credit cards ensure that only later bills will sting
    For it’s hiding discomfort with joy
    Discomfort with joy
    And it’s hiding discomfort with joy.

    So rest, ye very mental men, enjoy your new-found gear
    ‘Twill be another miracle if it lasts out the year
    The stuff, now great, by end ’08, will be gone, never fear!
    Time again to hide discomfort with joy
    Discomfort with joy
    Time for hiding discomfort with joy

    The missing-the-point song

    ..with apologies to Flanders and Swann:

    A devoted audiophool was list’ning one day
    To the sounds of his system so dear
    His really wide soundstage was full on display
    And every small nuance he’d hear
    He knew brand of cymbal the stick would caress
    And when the bass man scratched his ear
    The representation was just a sensation
    The music he just didn’t hear

    Chorus:
    Hi-fi, glorious hype
    “It’s all ‘bout the music”, they say, but that’s tripe
    Don’t follow, don’t follow, for it’s all hollow
    They just want to wallow in glorrrrrrious hype!


    “Just listen!” he’d say to you, “how real it all is!
    “The singer’s not just there, but there
    “You hear every time she breathes, each snort and each gasp
    “And even when she smoothes her hair!”
    The music, its spirit, its life counts for zilch
    An artefact’s taken its place
    To get from the platter all recorded matter
    ‘s a technical triumph - and waste.

    Chorus:

    The song of the reformed hi-fi addict

    Slightly autobiographical, and modelled closely on Don McLean's marvellous original:

    A long, long time ago…
    I can still remember
    How that music used to make me smile.
    And I thought if I had my chance
    My music system to enhance
    Just, maybe, I’d be happier for a while.

    But hi-fi mags just made me shiver
    As every article delivered.
    Bad news on the doorstep;
    Much cash to gain one more step.

    And thus it was, I did decide
    This bizarre world to get inside
    Really took me for a ride,
    And so the music died.

    So bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    Do you like the sound of wire
    At a price that’s absolutely dire
    If those Bibles tell you so?
    And do you believe your rock ‘n roll
    Sounds so much better, with more soul
    From a diamond dragging through a ditch so slow?

    Now I knew folk were in love with Linn
    Even when the price was really grim
    Or mad Naimees whose shoes
    Tap as if there’s no time to lo-oo-oose.

    I had a taste champagne with a budget beer
    And imagination and no golden ear
    And all confirmed were my worst fears
    The day the music died

    I started singin’
    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    So for ten years, I was quite on song
    Believed these wise folk can’t be wrong
    They heard something, I heard it too
    Although it was so contrar-ray
    To the science I did every day
    I somehow didn’t see it all as woo.

    Until a stand, of Mana name
    From Anglesey, not heaven, came
    It cost a hefty pound
    Was said to enhance sound
    But in spite of what the pundits knew
    I tried it out, and its cred blew
    Moreover it looked ugly too
    No wonder music died

    I started singin’
    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    Helter skelter, I was in a swelter
    I tested stuff and in a welter
    Scales from eyes were falling fast
    For big improvements, you need grass
    And propaganda good as Tass
    And pseudo-scientific humbug vast

    Now in no time I smelt sweet perfume
    Of truth, and tried to sing this tune
    I sought truth to advance
    But I rarely got the chance
    For when I tried to take the field
    The true believers would not yield
    They didn’t like the truth revealed
    And so the music died.

    And I was singin’
    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    Oh, and there we were all in one place,
    A few with clues, but some with space
    Between the ears, so talk was vain
    They went on, they were simple, they were thick
    As Jethro Tull’s infamous brick
    ‘Cos humbug is believers’ only friend.

    Oh, and as I watched them on the for-
    Um, hi-fi myths began to soar
    From folk who should know well
    Completely under spell.
    And as the flaming climbed to scary height
    The sort of thing that forums blight
    Hi-fi believers laughing with delight
    The day the music died

    And I was singin’
    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    I now have ceased to sing the blues
    No longer read the “Hi-Fi News”
    I simply smile and turn away
    I don’t go to the hi-fi store
    Where the music left me years before
    For in such stores the music doesn’t play
    The only thing that’s there is dreams
    At prices taken to extremes
    Absurdity unspoken
    And logic totally broken
    I have Meridian, Linn and Quad
    But for my back, no longer rod
    Music, not hi-fi, is my god
    And music will abide.

    I’m happily singin’
    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I
    They can carry on without I

    Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi
    I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry
    And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die
    But they can carry on without I!

    To the ladies of hi-fi...

    ...wherever they are... To Pete Seeger's "Where have all the flowers gone?"

    Where have all the ladies gone
    From our pastime?
    Where have all the ladies gone?
    Now knitting rows?
    Where have all the ladies gone
    Gone to knitting everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Where have all the knitters gone
    From their pastime?
    Where have all the knitters gone
    Now knitting rows?
    Where have all the knitters gone?
    Married nitwits everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Where have all the nitwits gone
    To our pastime?
    Where have all the nitwits gone?
    Now writing prose?
    Where have all the nitwits gone
    Turned to audiophools everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Where have all the audiophools gone
    In our pastime?
    Where have all the audiophools gone?
    Now come to blows?
    Where have all the audiophools gone
    Turned to forums everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Where have all the forums gone
    In our pastime?
    Where have all the forums gone?
    Once full of prose?
    Where have all the forums gone
    Died from wire wars everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Where have the survivors gone
    From our forums?
    Where have the survivors gone?
    Stopped writing prose?
    Where have the survivors gone
    Gone to ladies everyone
    When will we ever learn?
    When will we ever learn?

    Zorba the Geek

    Inspired (if that's the word) by the Audio Club of Athens and their wondrous toys:

    My wire! (his-nice-wire)
    My wire! (his-nice-wire)
    Really sounds dire! (his-nice-wire)
    I tire (his-nice-wire)
    I'm frust- (his-nice-wire)
    -trated, cost much (his-nice-wire)
    I'm through (his-nice-wire)
    I need some new (his-nice-wire)
    Expensive too (his-nice-wire)

    (his-nice-wire)

    My power! (his-pure-power)
    Gone sour! (his-pure-power)
    I’m dour! (his-pure-power)
    ‘S worse by the hour! (his-pure-power)
    I’ll try (his-pure-power)
    What’s gone awry (his-pure-power)
    To rectify (his-pure-power)
    For a better supply (his-pure-power)
    Or I will die! (his-pure-power)

    (his-pure-power)

    So that I can get my platter turning (with clamp, so it’s flatter)
    To right speed acceleration, thanks to quartz rectification
    Moving coil is grooving, oil not needed for friction removing
    ‘Cos air bearing, perfect pairing, which prevents there being wearing
    Valves are glowing, as we’re knowing so much better sound bestowing
    Than that solid state stuff which we know is not so great, ‘nuff
    Said, and also all those ones and zeros, making sound that your poor ears o-
    -ffensive find, so ill-defined, like dishes scraped with fork tines, so now
    Put out of your mind!

    The Bluegrass Hi-Fi Ballad

    Inspired by a somewhat more risqué song, heard long ago:

    I had me a little hi-fi set
    And a beautiful sound made she
    But ah gave it away to a purdy little gal
    Jes’ to keep her company
    All day, all night she’d play that thing
    Without a big mishap
    But then one day she threw it away
    And said it’s a load of Kr—

    --ell, Krell, she wanted, hell!
    Amurrican big, by heck!
    Ah wan’ it big an’ ah wan’ it bold
    Don’t care if it’s old tech-

    Lancing foreign boil
    Patriot thing, come on!
    Belief that furrin hi-fi’s best
    Is all a great big Con-

    --rad Johnson’s for tubes
    Very best sound by far
    Sounds so sweet, good enough to eat
    And no way does sound Mar-

    Cleaving, son, ’s the way
    To the gear US-made
    Ferget the rest, it sho’ is best
    Yo’ can take that as Red-

    Rose, smelling of those
    Those who think else are dead
    An’ if yo’ should think otherwise
    Yo’ should resume your med-

    Oh! “Lark ascending”sounds
    Better than on gear Nip-
    -ponese, Oh, please! On it relieves
    Its ears it sho’ does Klip-

    -Sugar! That Jap crap?
    Singapore or Vietnam
    That’s where it’s made, clearly displayed
    Revealed by quick exam-

    -sung, this song is sung
    You thought it would never end?
    Waal, since yo’ don’t approve of it,
    Ah’ll start all over again,

    Ah had me a little hi-fi set…

    Majik potion

    Brought on by Linn's, er, entry level turntable, with a little help from Burt Bacharach and Hal David:

    O Ivor, hear my plea, I want one desperately
    I’d love it with Ekos SE, but that I can’t afford, you see
    Oh please, oh please help me

    O Ivor, won’t you make a Majik potion
    As reward for my devotion
    I’m thinking of Majik potion with a Pro-Jekt 9
    O Ivor, please take on this generous notion
    For we Adikts put in motion
    And everything will vinylly be fine
    Because I’m going to make one mine.

    O Ivor, please ignore, inevitable bores
    Who’ll say the VFM just stinks, but no one cares just what they think
    We want the Linn level entry

    O Ivor please do make that Majik potion
    I’ll help out with my promotion
    For Majik turntable with Pro-Jekt 9
    O Ivor, come restore vinyl emotion
    And ignore sceptic commotion
    So we can have the sound for which we pine
    The analogue wave’s purest sine!

    The Blind Test Song

    Try blind tests
    Try blind tests
    See how they run
    See how they run
    If they don't give the results your wife
    Should get (tho' she's deaf), say the stress, so rife
    Negates the results, cling to that for dear life
    Deny blind tests

    The Bach Cable Song

    To the great Hassler chorale "O Sacred head" used in the St. Matthew Passion:

    O sacred cables, winding
    Each sacred box unite
    Our ears forever finding
    Their influ’nce never slight
    On sounds produced from set-up
    They have us in their sway
    And so we’ll never let up
    Throwing money away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2008
    tones, Dec 4, 2007
    #6
  7. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Groovehandler's Song

    Written at the start of ZeroGain many moons ago, and forgotten (perhaps it should have stayed that way...). Tune is "If you go in", from G&S's Iolanthe:

    If we take pain, with ZeroGain
    We can avoid our hist'ry shady
    Be our law
    The ancient saw,
    "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!"
    (Never, never, never,
    "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!")

    Hi-fi's a journey without end--
    With Naimless problems e'er to mend--
    Dark the dawn when day is nigh--
    Handle your groove and don't say die!

    Cable or stand
    Mana or And-
    Drews may o'ercome that feeling jady
    Lovers of PraT
    Round earth or flat!
    Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!
    (Never, never, never,
    Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!)

    While the sun shines make your hay--
    Where there's a wallet, there's a way--
    Beard the Ivor in his lair--
    None but the brave deserve the fare!

    So, take heart
    And make a start--
    Though you fear the prospect's shady--
    Much you might spend
    To gain your end--
    "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!"
    (Never, never, never,
    "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!")

    Nothing venture, nothing win--
    Arcam, Marantz, Cyrus or Linn --
    Wadia ya know, one thing we've found --
    It's hi-fi that makes our world go round!
    Nothing venture, nothing win--
    Blood is thick, but water's thin--
    In for a penny, in for a pound--
    ZeroGain seeks the perfect sound!
     
    tones, Mar 5, 2009
    #7
  8. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    The Frozen CD Song

    Recommended by well-known utter loony Peter W. Belt and various acolytes:

    Freeze a jolly good CD
    It smoothes out sounds that are reedy
    And deepens bass that is seedy
    And really tedious

    And really tedious
    And really tedious

    You'll get a sound that is felt tin-
    Ling warmth that is truly melting
    A drive positively Belting
    But then the guy is nuts
     
    tones, Apr 14, 2009
    #8
  9. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    A sceptical song (Quel surprise!)

    To a possibly familiar tune:

    How many wires must a man lay down

    Before he no more gives a d**n?

    Yes, ‘n’ how much baloney must him assail

    Before he takes head out of sand?

    Yes, ‘n’ how many cables will he try on gear

    Convinced it’ll stop being bland?

    The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind

    The problem is blowhards full of wind



    How many sites must a man look up

    In reaching for audiophool sky

    Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have

    Before he facts cease to deny?

    Yes, ‘n’ how much snake oil will it take till he knows

    That too many reptiles have died?

    The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind

    The problem is blowhards full of wind


    How many years can a belief exist

    That those amps sound better than these?

    Yes, ‘n’ how many years must believing persist

    Before the poor slave can be free?

    Yes, 'n' how many times can a man’s head be turned,

    Believing he hears more than thee?

    The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind

    The problem is blowhards full of wind
     
    tones, Sep 8, 2009
    #9
  10. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    Don't know what it means:

    Äîáðî ïîæàëîâàòü íà íàø ñàéò! àâòîçàï÷àñòè îïòîì ìîñêâà

    but it must be good as you said it four times!
     
    tones, Jan 10, 2011
    #10
  11. tones

    Dev Moderator

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    Spam removed Tony. Can't have it polluting your thread:).
     
    Dev, Jan 10, 2011
    #11
  12. tones

    tones compulsive cantater

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    Thanks, Dev, although most would regard the thread itself as a form of pollution!
     
    tones, Jan 11, 2011
    #12
  13. tones

    Dev Moderator

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    I'm glad I'm not most:).
     
    Dev, Jan 11, 2011
    #13
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