I have been asked to put this on ZG (honestly). Shakespeare it ain’t, but hopefully it will give some amusement and not raise too much ire. I am a total sceptic; I don’t believe in cables (ICs, speaker or power), stands, green pens or any of that stuff, but if you hear and enjoy a difference, jolly good luck to you. Some have appeared on ZG before in individual posts, but this is the total collection - so far... 1. GENERAL AUDIOPHOOLIA SONGS Nursery Rhyme Baa, baa, dead sheep, are you audiophool? Yes, sir, yes, sir, really cool! One has to master giving up brain So one can hear what others try to in vain The Heavy Dirigible Song Not really an audiophile song, merely being rude about my favourite noise generators, to the tune of one of their greatest misses: Hey, hey mama, papa, children too, gonna con you blind, ‘cos you want me to Ah, ah, gullibility’s your thing, if you really think I can play and sing Hey, hey, babies, when you think that way, then your money drips in mah purse all day Ha-yeah, ha-yeah. ha! ha! ha! Ha-yeah, ha-yeah, ha! ha! ha! I gotta roll folk like you. Got Ferraris at heart, an’ big mansions too Gorgeous bodies gleaming red, all I need’s enough conn-ed Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey, babies, oh, babies, petty babies, tell me won’t you let me do you now Didn’t take too long ‘fore I found out, that people can be messed about Take their money for mah car, make enough pretentious noise they think you’re a star I now know once they’ve been sold, they’re so easy to part from their gold All I ask for when I pray, steady rollin’ spenders gonna come my way Need the tone-deaf, takin’ them in hand, an’ rip them off, make me a happy man. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! CJ’s Song Dedicated to CJ Ross after his ejection from HFC. To the tune of “My favourite things” from “The Sound of Mucus” Stands from IKEA and Cat5 from Maplin DVD transports with big kids a-grapplin’ Helped by the oomph that a D-A-C brings These were a few of his favourite things Eyetie loudspeakers with smooth classy finish Jap crap from Sony that no way diminish- -es sound from kit which continues to sing These were a few of his favourite things When Admin bites (Oh, the b’s stink) Then we’re feeling sad But simply remember his favourite things And then we don’t feel so bad. 2 point 1 hi-fi instead of five channel Blind tests of ICs with impartial panel Treble from standmounts with sep’rate woofings These were a few of his favourite things Amp binding posts that could moor the “Queen Mary” Believers’ gardens with permanent fairies Feuds with AK like a circus three-ringed These were a few of his favourite things Now he’s gone, dude, Things are subdued And we’re feeling sad But simply remember his favourite things And then we don’t feel so bad. The CJ Ban(ned) Song Another CJ song, based on the old Irish comedy song “MacNamara’s Band”, and probably meaningless to anyone from outside the Emerald Isle. Oh, my name is CJ Ross and I’m a member of the Banned And though we’re small in number, we are often out of hand We cause upset in forums ‘cos we’re proud to speak our mind And when the Forum kicks us out, to this fate we’re resigned Refrain: Oh the rows go bang and the rules go hang As the two sides blaze away The tempers flare, the fists are bare All want to have their say Oh, late moderation’s influence is moot My word, ‘tis something grand A credit to autocracy When CJ Ross is banned. Oh there’s Bub, who’s banned from a place where stands have driven folk insane And AK’s banned from PFM, for him that’s zero gain And CJ’s out of HFC, now loiters within tent Until the next time someone’s hooter out of shape is bent Refrain… The Upgrading Song To the tune of “Do-Re-Mi” from Rogers and Hammerstein’s “The Sound of Mucus”: Dough for gear, that’s really dear ’Ray! From better up to best! Me, for me, ‘cos I can hear Far, far better than the rest So, why needled, filled with dread? La-tterly heard better, so Te-etering on new upgrade Which shall bring us back to dough-oh-oh-oh The Hi-Fi Education Song To the tune of the traditional university song Gaudeamus igitur, juvenes dum sumum (Let us therefore rejoice, while we are young) Gaudeamus igitur Juvenes dum sumum Hi-fi rich but money-poor Joyous sound, financial doom Making hay while sun doth shine While you think you can divine Cable differences night and day Enjoy delusions, while you may! Vita nostra brevis est Brevi finietur*. So, before it all goes west Let us make quite sure To the myth we ever cling That it’s worthwhile upgrading Making sure, whatever fate may fall, When we go, we shall have tried it all. Vivat hi-fi magazines! These our professores Questionable honesty Pand’ring to our mores Tell us what we want to hear So to sell advertised gear Writing endless heaps of useless crud With the pristine clarity of mud! *Our life is short, it will soon be finished In dulci jubilo – an Audiophool Christmas carol A multi-Forum audiophool carol to the tune of the mediaeval carol In dulci jubilo in its modified English version (“Good Christian men rejoice”): Good audiophools rejoice! With heart and soul and voice Soon it will be Christmas Day Toys, toys Major upgrades on the way Household budget groans with pain But without that there’s zero gain ‘Till New Year delay-ay, any thoughts of pay. Good audiophools rejoice! With Hi-Fi of your Choice Soon you’ll be in endless bliss Noise, noise You know you’ve deservèd this Decked the halls with holly boughs While latest purchase really wows Really does the biz-ness, really does the biz Good audiophools rejoice! Your set-up’s now Rolls-Royce® Better treble, real bass slam Joy, joy Hi-Fi blows wig off with WHAM Neighbours on the wall do pound (Don’t they appreciate good sound?) You don’t give a d***, you don’t give a d***. Good audiophools rejoice! Your sounds now have more poise Unlike you, post-food and brew See, see Elephants pink, fishes too All those sounds are so brilliant! And better still with lubricant And to life so true-ue, and to life so true! Good audiophools rejoice! As volume peace destroys Now you give cause for alarm Scratch, scratch Swinging on the pick-up arm Time to put the toys away And try again another day Causing lesser har-rm, causing lesser harm. Good audiophools rejoice! And try to curb your boist- -‘trusness, now the glow is gone Sad, sad But in forums, life goes on Back to Naim, Art, Bow, Krell, Linn Stands, power cords, ICs, get stuck in With total aband-on, total abandon! Another Audiophool Christmas carol To the tune of Charles Wesley’s famous carol. Hark! The hi-fi dealers sing Sees what Santa this year brings Peace is bought with prices wild Man and hi-fi reconciled Joyous, audiophools rise Soundstage better, what surprise! Microdynamics also Higher highs and lower lows Hark! The hi-fi dealers sing More upgrades sometime in spring? The Twelve Audiophool Days of Christmas An audiophool version of “The twelve days of Christmas”. First, a reminder of the original: On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me: A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me: Two turtle doves and A partridge in a pear tree On the third day of Christmas… Three french hens, and then.. Four colly birds.. Five golden rings..Six geese a-laying…Seven swans swimming…Eight maids a-milking… Nine drummers drumming…Ten pipers piping…Eleven ladies dancing…Twelve lords a-leaping On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me: A Nordost Valhalla power lead On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me: Two phono plugs and A Nordost Valhalla power lead On the third day of Christmas My true love sent to me: Three fresh lens Two phono plugs and A Nordost Valhalla power lead. On the fourth day of Christmas My true love sent to me: Four ICs paired Three fresh lens Two phono plugs and A Nordost Valhalla power lead On the fifth day of Christmas My true love sent to me: Five bold tings!* Four ICs paired Three fresh lens Two phono plugs and A Nordost Valhalla power lead Six tables turning Seven diodes dimming Eight salesmen milking Nine PS-Us humming Ten tweeters tweeting Eleven phases dancing Twelve Shaktis stoning *For those who don’t recognise it, a reference to Roy K. Riches, mains power supply guru extraordinaire. He maintained that, if you organised your power supply in his way, you could hear “ting”-type sounds on some track or other, which otherwise could not be heard at all – and the more closely you adhered to his ideas, the more tings you heard. Or, as Duke Ellington would have had it, it don’t mean a thing, if it ain’t got that ting. It briefly touched off a major controversy at PFM, as people started hearing tings… The BodaciouSSian Rhapsody For Solidstateman, the Queen of the Tent (Hifiwigwam), present on the HiFi Choice as BodaciouSS: Is this the real life? To feed my fantasy? Ensconsed in Wigwam My escape from reality? Discard your fears Open your ears, and see I’m just a poor boy, I need no symphonies Because I’m opera-boy, (bit buffo) My brow’s high, theirs is low, Anyway, the discs spin, doesn’t really matter to me, To me Mama, just pitched a tent Banged the pegs into the ground Better to discuss good sound Mama, life’s again begun Since from HFC we’ve now all gone away Mama, bo-oh-oh-orrr- -ring that Forum had become Sometimes I wonder why we tried at all Carry on, carry on, nothing really mattered. Too late, my time has come In the tepee I’m inclined Contributions so refined To give everybody, I just had to go So I turn out lights at “Choice” and go away Mama, no mo-oh-oh-ore Don’t want it to die But sometimes wish it hadn’t been born at all. I see a little shrivelled Forum deathly quiet HiFi Choice, HiFi Choice, ne’er again shall we tango No more cable fighting, really not enlightening me HifiWigwam, HifiWigwam Go figure-oh-oh-oh-oh I’m not a sceptic, so Jampal wants me He’s not a sceptic, he’s barking, don’t you see? Give him a life from Choice monstrosity! ‘Wam is yes, “Choice” is no, I intend to go BodaciouSS, No! We will not let you go! Let me go! BodaciouSS, no! We will let you go! Let me go! Will not let you go! Let me go! Will not let you go! Let me go! No,no,no,no,no,no,no Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia, let me go! BodaciouSS rejects the devil known as HFC, - FC, -FCCCCCCCCC… So you think you can own me? You I’m gonna defy! In the Wigwam I’m queen and there gonna thrive Oh, baby – my pitch queered here, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here. Nothing really matters, Anyone can see, Nothing really matters, nothing matters back at HFC, Anyway, the discs spin.... The Naim Song Inspired (if that's the word) by a post on pfm and a trial of a CD5/Flatcap2: On the first part of my hi-fi journey All my hi-fi gear lacked life There were Sonys, Sanyos, bland, boring Played through boomy, boxy things The first time I met with a guy full of PRaT I heard music of earth not round The pace was hot, the soundstage was not But the air was full of sound Chorus: I've been through my CDs, with a source with a Naim Had a sound you cannot disdain But no better than others, it’s plain You can seek for PRaT, but you’ll listen in vain La, la ... After two days with this PRaTtling gun My ears began to turn red After three days nothing more had come Could have easily with Sony stayed And the Flatcap 2 added to the brew No more sound but one green light instead. Chorus: After nine days I returned the CD 'Cause by then I’d come to see That the tales of pace, rhythm, timing Were a salesman’s imagining The earth isn’t flat but it’s big and round And it’s very plain to see There’s not a single path to the perfect sound Even that from Salisbury Chorus: The Coherent Song A tribute to Tony of Coherent Systems, much loved over at WigWam.It helps to know the original, which may be known only to really old guys like me, an old blues number “The House of the Rising Sun” made famous by Josh White, and then resurrected in a marvellous Alan Price arrangement by the Animals in the 1960s. There is a place down Worcester way It’s called the Rising Sum And it’s ruined so many poor audiophools I know, because I’m one My hi-fi was a pleasure A sort of grown-up’s toy It made, to me, a pleasant noise It gave me lots of joy. But when I loitered within Tent Some guys told of a time When once they visited some guy Who made sounds quite sublime. Against my better judgement, I Arranged to have a hear I never really realised How this would cost me dear The bossman he was Tony Your worst nightmares come true With gift to open jaded ears From cash to sep’rate you. He started off with modest rig (Well, by his reckoning) To me it sounded really good I had to have this thing. But then he changed some cables round And this now sounded great With soundstage real, bass Richter scale Its notes timed, never late. I wanted that, so bad I did But that was just the start And every time he tweaked some more It nearly broke my heart. He shaved my CDs, and they gained Dynamic clarity He flashed them, and they gained some more (E’en though that cannot be). And then we got to serious stuff The diff’rence was so vast My heart disintegrated now “Enough!” I cried at last. I went back home in deepest gloom Head full of shattered dreams I lusted for Coherency So far beyond my means My own nice gear, now not worth hear- -ing, drove me quite insane I’d had a glimpse of Paradise But lost, and never gained. I’d tasted the forbidden fruit And now I could discern The gulf between the good and best A sorry thing to learn Oh, mothers, tell your children Not to do what I have done Spend your life in penury To the House of the Rising Sum Your response may be flat-form Your speakers show no strain But, knowing how your sounds are lean, ‘Slike wearing ball and chain. Oh, there is a place down Worcester way It’s called the Rising Sum And it’s ruined so many poor audiophools I know, because I’m one
The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 2 The Audiophool New Year Song Should auld upgradings be forgot And never brought to mind? I vote that we should dump the lot And try new stuff to find For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne We’ll test new cable now and then To make the sceptics whine! Should we turntables e’er get shot An’ for vinyl cease to pine? And play wee silvers full of dots ‘Stead of spiral groovy line? For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne We’ll raise our digits now and then To thoughts so asinine! Should audio-visual become hot And two-channel decline We’ll fight to maintain what we’ve got To drink not fizz but wine For auld lang syne, my dear For auld lang syne We will our standards high defend May its lives be feline The Anti-S(c)eptic Song Well, get into that forum and rattle them potty fans Oh, get into that forum and try to avoid a ban, ‘Cos I wanna hit sceptics, ‘cos I’m an angry man. Refrain: Snake, prattle and troll I said, snake, prattle and troll I said, snake, prattle and troll I said, snake, prattle and troll Well they can’t hear nuttin’ to save their doggone soul. Oh, they’re spoutin’ ‘bout cables but their hearin’s not so nice Well, they’re spoutin’ ‘bout cables but their hearin’s not so nice They make it a virtue, but I think it’s a vice. Refrain: Oh, my cables are tresses, with connectors done up nice Yeah, my cables are tresses, with connectors done up nice Oh the sounds are so good, they’re worth that giant price: Refrain: I’m a one-eyed anti-septic, postin’ in a crowd of bores I’m a one-eyed anti-septic, postin’ in a crowd of bores They mix it with me, they get another one tore. Refrain: I believe them septics are wrong and now I know I believe them septics are wrong and now I know An’ the more I know, the faster my money goes Refrain: Sid’s Song Thus named because Sid & Coke gave me the idea. The original “Some folks” is from the 19th century American songwriter Stephen Foster (Swanee River, Oh! Susanna, De Camptown Races, Jeanie with the light brown hair, Ole Kentucky Home, etc., etc.) Some folks think they hear Some folks do, some folks do Not-there sounds from gear But that is me, not you Long live the shiny golden ears That diff'rence night and day Hear because it's there No matter what sceptics say. Some folks love their wire Some folks do, some folks do Sets their gear on fire But that is me, not you Long live elongate jewellery That sparkles aurallay Ne’er a placebo! No matter what sceptics say. Some folks like upgrades Some folks do, some folks do Think they’ve got it made But that is me, not you Long live the ever-better sounds It has to be that way ‘Cos they cost much more No matter what sceptics say. Some folks like their stands Some folks do, some folks do Set-up care demands But that is me, not you Long live the isolated gear Whose sound blows you away Microphony dearth No matter what sceptics say. Some folk like their discs Some folk do, some folk do Black with grooves, not pits But that is me, not you Long live the vinyl twelve-inch disc That spins by night and day Style us folk of taste No matter what sceptics say I am the very model… A number of songs were derived from “I am the very model of a modern major-general” from “The Pirates of Penzance”, perhaps the most famous of the G&S patter songs. (a) The moderator’s song I am the very model of a hi-fi moderator In squabbles to adjudicate to stop them getting greater My knowledge of things hi-fi is prodigious; this is why that My thoughts on it are not so much opin-i-ons as fiat In things concerning kit, I think that much is psychological Except concerning mine, in which case it’s more theological In disputations over kit, I quickly bawl the boys out Unless of course it’s mine, in which case I throw all my toys out (Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toys out Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toys out Unless of course it’s his in which case he throws all his toy-oy-oy-oy-oys-out) My kit’s dynamics are so micro that you just can’t beat it The textures are so textured I can have my cake and eat it In short, who disagrees with me is humbug, fraud and traitor Which makes me just the perfect candidate for moderator! (b) The Audiophool’s Song I am the very model of a modern hi-fi person This sedentary hobby seems to get just worse’n’worse, ‘n I can discourse so learnedly on subjects multifarious That non-hi-fi folk begin to think I’ve really gone delirious I know the subject backwards when it comes to hi-fi cable I know it makes a difference, so as much as I am able I’ll loud proclaim advantages that one gains from reducing The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing Chorus: The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing The O2 content, and a better signal thus producing The O2 content, and a better signal thus produ-hu-hu-hu-cing My know-how when it comes to stands is just completely sated I comprehend completely how energy’s dissipated In short, when I get started I have everybody cursin’ I am the very model of a modern hi-fi person. I don’t forbear to tell my friends their cables need upgraded When they say, “Liar! It’s only wire!” they’re very soon up-braided Moreover, to in clover be they should be elevated Above the floor so they’re no more by static enervated And when the hi-fi needs support, to do without’s bananas It’s just not shrewd (and also rude) to be bereft of Manas And new power cord will bring back those electrons that you’ve lacked, for The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor Chorus The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a factor The fact they’ve come through miles of grid is simply not a fa-ha-ha-hac-tor! Audiophiles, tho’ much reviled, have brought forth things conceal-ed Indeed it seems to be the laws of physics are repeal-ed Those septic sceptic doubts I can rebut chapter and verse on Based on the sound experience of modern hi-fi person. In matters dielectric I’m superbly well equip-ped With PTFE only, sound will never be insipid My green-edged CDs Auric’lly Illuminated sound great The total photon capture means that sound is clear and first-rate Demagnetised of course, it works, so take no heed of sneering The poverty of sceptics extends also to their hearing With Shakti stones, I make no bones, a diff’rence undeniable As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable Chorus As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re liable As per the laugh called Hallograph if so to hear you’re li-i-i-iable! Dynamics are so micro they’re on point of disappearing My bass so fast, my textures textured, clarity is searing But cannot stop, for upgrades, household budget needs some nursin’ To maintain the religion of a modern hi-fi person! (c) Dirty Dickie’s Song Written for my friend and Wagner lover Solidstateman I am the very model of an opera composer When big Teutonic drama’s needed, surely I’m no dozer I have the total mastery of lovely Trists an’ all the Emotions which for profit to my pub-el-ic I sold-e For those who think there’s no way they could possibly endure a Performance, I toss in a tune as great as die Walküre That sure will bring familiar Ring and get my aud’ence hook-ed And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed! And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly book-ed And make sure that for sev’ral weeks the theatre’s tot’lly boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ked! I gave them Meistersinger, Tannhäuser, Dutchman, Rienzi They bel-low an’ grin, cheer and sometimes get into a frenzy In short, I’m not a dilettante, a humbug or a poser Instead I am the model of an opera composer! The Believer’s Song Based on Frankie Laine’s 1950’s hit. I believe for every drop of copper drawn, a cable grows I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a triode glows I believe for every ear that goes astray A tweaker comes and shows the way I believe, I believe. I believe above the storm the smallest tweak can still be heard I believe that green pens, sinks, knobs, silver goops are not absurd Every time I newly-purchased power lead ply Or touch a lead, or Densen try Then I know why I believe. The Crazy Poster’s Song I think we’ve all known posters like this… To Willie Dixon’s “Little Red Rooster” I am a li’l hi-fi poster So nuts in every way I am a li’l hi-fi boaster Proud of what I had to pay So I’m struttin’ round in the Forum Bein’ great in ev’ry single way. Well, I come on the Forum Just so that I can growl An’ the sceptics that I find there At them I sure begin to howl All good sense goes out the window When li’l hi-fi poster’s on the prowl. Well if you see my li’l dead brain cell Please, please drive it home If it makes a diff’rence, can’t tell But at least there’s somethin’ in my dome So it rattles ‘round in darkness and vacuum While I at the mouth continue to foam. The Scottish Hi-Fi Song To the tune “Loch Lomond” From yon bonnie banks and for some bonnie payin’ For greed and not need, ye’ll go roamin’ For ye have the urge speakers to upgrade again On the glowing reports of an Artful Bow man Chorus Oh, ye’ll tak’ the hi-fi an’ I’ll tak’ the low-fi An’ I’ll be contented afore ye For ye’ll go and squander just everything you gain In the bonnie, bonnie hi-fi emporiums T’was you from cash parted in yon shady den For a steep, steep price, yer mouth foamin’ When tryin’ to think how on earth to sell the hen On a soundstage that’s really worth ownin’ Chorus The Audiophool Lullaby From the famous Brahms’s one Guten Abend, gute Nacht, Mit Endstuf’ bedacht, Mit Kabeln besteckt, schlupf unter die Deck' Morgen früh, wenn HOBBY will, wirst du wieder geweckt Morgen früh, wenn HOBBY will, mehr Blödsinn endeckt. Guten Abend, gute Nacht, Von HOBBY bewacht Der zeigt im Traum, ideales Hörraum Schlaf nun selig und süss, Schau im Traum's Paradies Und träum von Deiner merkwürdige Spezies The Harmonious Lumberjack Well, if Handel can have a harmonious blacksmith, why not? The source will probably be recognised. I don’t want to be a sceptic! I don’t want to be trapped in a mess of mediocre wire and cheap Japanese mid-fi and lack of golden ears! I want to be…AN AUDIOPHILE! (Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum–dum-dum DADADADAAAAAAAH-dum-dum-dum Swinging from IC to thick IC down the mighty rivers of hi-fi hyperbole! (DADADADA-DAAAAAAAH-dum-dum-dum-dum-DADADADA-DAAAAAAAAH! The Nordost! The Ecosse! The QED! The naughty flashy Krystal! The coherently incoherent Coherent! With my golden eared buddies by my side, we’ll, sing, sing, SING! I’m an audyofile and I’m OK I hear these diff’rences night and day He’s an audyofile and he’s OK He hears these diff’rences night and day I cut down these Who say there’re aren’t Big differences in wire Those diff’rences are present And not just our desire He cuts down these Who say there’re aren’t Big differences in wire Those diff’rences are present And not just his desire He’s an audyofile and he’s OK He hears these diff’rences night and day I batter these Who say CDs Sound same with bigger bill I say ‘cos to your hearing It’s undiscernible He batters these Who say CDs Sound same with higher bill He says ‘cos to their hearing It’s undiscernible He’s an audyofile and he’s OK He hears these diff’rences night and day Their style it cramps Because all amps Do not sound much the same I only bring the message I can’t be held to blame. Their style it cramps Because all amps Do not sound much the same He only brings the message He can’t be held to blame. I’m an audyofile and I’m OK I hear these diff’rences night and day He’s an audyofile and he’s OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK Hehearsthesediff’rencesnightandday! Mains! Dedicated to Roy K. Riches, pfm’s main man. To the Beatles’ “Chains”. Mains! Roy Riches’s got me locked up in mains And they give me ‘ell-ectricity Oh, oh these mains of hi-fi power got a hold on me, yeah Mains, my poor old system’s gone down the drains Just can’t make the sounds I need for me Oh, oh, these mains stop the music flow and make life purgat’ry I wanna hear my system sound good I think it’s fine Mountains of Mana But my system, it’s imprisoned by these Mains, I really want to blow out my brains For dese hi-fi tings really get to me Oh, oh, these mains just spur me on and never let me be, yeah. Please believe me when I tell you My power cord’s fine Ditto my cables But I really need to fix up these Mains, my system’s started showing its strains And a big rewire and new circuitry Oh, oh these mains are gonna need, to set electrons free, yeah. Silver litz and golden cables The words "silver litz" appeared on a post in HFC, and my strange head filled in the phrase "and golden cables" (from the old Springfields' song "Silver threads and golden needles"). It sounded like the cue for a song: I don’t want expensive systems, one in every single room I just want the sound they promised without tizz and without boom But you think I should be happy with that money spent on name Products that no synergism have and sound boring and lame. Chorus: Silver litz and golden cables cannot mend this sound of mine It just doesn’t hang together in a way that does define Soundstage three-dimensional with slamming bass and highs refined So I hang around in forums and indulge in lots of w(h)ine I once had a small, cheap system, and I really loved it so But the dealers’ golden promise made my aspirations grow So I started on the upgrade path, it cost me lots of dough But it brought me no more pleasure, now I sing this song of woe Chorus:
The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 3 Electrons go round and round To Ella Fitzgerald’s “The music goes round and round” I press the little switch here Electrons go 'round and around Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-an’ Music comes out here I press that valve amp switch Electrons go down and around Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-an’ Music comes out here I lower that tone arm down The record goes round and sound bellows Bellows, bellows, deedle-dee-ho-ho-ho Listen to the PRaT come out I push the loud knob down Electrons go 'round and around Whoa-ho-ho-ho-an’-mo’ Music comes out here The US Speaker Song To a possibly familiar tune: O, say, can you hear By showroom’s blazing light What so loudly we heard That we just stopped from screaming Whose broad base and high towers Of a perilous height From whose ramparts big notes Were so audibly streaming And woofers’ loud blare Made to stand up your hair And so did the price ‘Cos the tag was still there O, say does the Star-Spangled Banner still rave O’er sheer quantity, for a lounge like a nave! The HOBBY Anthem To a possibly familiar tune. HOBBY, our gracious dream Of hearers we, the cream All praise Thy Name Send us new ca-ables So we are a-able To propagate more fables And increase Thy fame! HOBBY, we sing to Thee Thou our Example be To Thee we bow Please send us lots of toys So that our endless joys Will be the envy of the boys (At least for now) As for those foul sceptics Filled with their knavish tricks Do them confound Make Thou their payment dear Cause them to shed a tear Knowing that they will never hear Thy wondrous sound We, the elite of flock Shall continue to rock For evermore And fin’lly at the end To heav’n our way will wend For aye in Great Sweet Spot to spend And Thee adore! The Believer and the Sceptic To the tune of “The farmer and the cowboy” from Rogers and Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Oh the sceptics and believers should be friends Oh the sceptics and believers should be friends Sceptics think their brains they’ve left B’lievers think they’re all stone-deaf But that’s no reason why they can’t be friends Chorus: Hifi-lovin’ folk should stick together Hifi-lovin’ folk should all be pals Underneath it all we’re of a feather We should see each other as equals! I’d like to say a word for the sceptics They seek to use methods empirical In their search to find the facts, which the believers so lack And they fail to find what’s clearly there, hysterical! Chorus I’d like to say a word for believers Of scientific method we’re not fearin’ But for assessment of gear, test it only with your ears An’ exactly what they want to hear they’re hearin’ Chorus Thick as a Brik I’ve never heard Linn Isobarik speakers (“Briks”) and would therefore not presume to comment on them, but I couldn’t resist the old Jethro Tull number: Really don’t mind if you hear this one out This IC’s a whisper, but this one’s a SHOUT! The sound field is wider, much more than you think And the PRaT gets your tootsies, they tap in a wink With such wires the bargain is sealed And you make with your salesman big deals And he’s glad you don’t know how it feels To be thick as a Brik. With the sandcastle that was your doubts swept away In the tide of peer pressure, me-too wins the day You’re one of the gold ears, you hear just like they You just mind your Manas, diff’rence night and day With your power cord all silvery gleam And your CDs all fresh-edged with green You’ll ne’er see, to others, you’re seen To be thick as a Brik. 2. CABLE SONGS Nothing raises excitement levels to the same extent as discussions on cables. My personal viewpoint is that wire is wire is wire, so I waste no time or money on the subject. But it does make for goods song material… James, James, Morrison, Morrison, or, the Cable Salesman’s Song You know that it can’t be untrue You know that I can’t be a liar Signals that my cords go through Quality can’t get much higher C’mon, baby, buy my wire Sets your music right on fire So I can think to retire! The time for hesitation is through No time to stay with sounds so dire Try now, you can only lose Your duos will sound like whole choir C’mon, baby, buy my wire… With wires of silver (tongue is too), A whole new product line to sire So good, burn-in, in my view ‘S useful as a funeral pyre. C’mon, baby, buy my wire… Those sceptics they can just say boo Content to wallow in the mire They’re doubly blind to what I do Don’t know, can’t hear, so just deny ‘er C’mon, baby, buy my wire… Das Kabellied To the tune of the Deutschlandlied, Germany’s national anthem. The version used here is the English hymn tune version (generally to accompany John Newton’s “Glorious things of Thee are spoken”), with the slightly modified last two lines, which, unlike the German anthem, are not repeated. Kabeln, Kabeln, joining alles Alles in our hi-fi chain Only passing sound? A falla- Cy that credence must not gain Give the sound a broad Coherence Make your music Krystal clear You should brook no interference To the joy they give your ear. Nasty sceptics ever critical Seek to spoil our Audio-quest Pretend to be scientifical But in fact our views detest They say, “Sil(ly) tech!”, come, mouths frothing, Loudly in the van, then Hul- Abaloo cause over nothing They are talking loads of bull Glorious things to us are cables Not a thing to be ignord- “Ostentatious!” folk us label But the best we will afford Silver, carbon, gold and copper PTFE-coated, so Classic, rock, jazz, rap, hip-hopper Joy to all who’re in the know! P.S. Useless Information Department: 1. The magnificent tune was written originally for Austria by Franz Josef Haydn (it is identified as “Austria” in English hymn books). The original first line was Gott erhalte Franz den Kaiser (God preserve Emperor Francis). 2. It was inspired by (believe it or not) “God save the King”, which was the first National Anthem in the modern sense. 3. Should anyone be interested, the German words of the verse used (the third) are: Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben brüderlich mit Herz und Hand! Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit sind des Glückes Unterpfand; blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes, blühe, deutsches Vaterland. blüh' im Glanze dieses Glückes, blühe, deutsches Vaterland. (Unity, Justice and Freedom For the German Fatherland. This is what we all must strive for, Brotherly with heart and hand. Unity, Justice and Freedom Are the foundation for happiness. Bloom in the radiance of this happiness, Bloom, oh German Fatherland. (repeat last two lines) 4. Contrary to enduring rumour, it is not forbidden to sing the first verse (Deutschland, Deutschland über alles, or as Michael Flanders put it, “German, German overalls”). The Cable Fan’s Song Written at the time when Wigwam came into existence. There was (naturally) a cable war raging at the time and Wigwam was perceived to be more cable-friendly. Tune is Irving Berlin’s 1950 hit “I hear singing and there’s no one there”. I hear diff’rence when there's not one there Diff’rent sounds ‘twixt silver, copper pair Better silver when burned-in with care I wonder why, (it’s not a lie) Folk hear nothing, I hear day and night Burned-in silver makes my sounds take flight I’m so sure I’m ready for a fight If sceptics start to try this to deny It’s not really so surprisin' It don't need analyzin' That you hear very strange but nice Audiophiles ears golden Simply are not beholden To natural laws that don’t suffice To explain what you’re hearin’ Justifyin’ can be wearing Wilfully ignorant just make light Tell it all within Wigwam ‘Bout highs higher, bass more slam We’ll believe and we will see you right! It’s Cables again… To Supertramp’s “It’s raining again” It's cables again Oh no, the subject’s a pain Everyone argues in vain Discussion goes down the drain Oh no, it's cables again We end up losing a friend. Because there’s never an end And fences never will mend. Oh no, it's cables again You're old enough some people say To read the signs and walk away Unlike the wire, both sides won’t bend One hears, one doesn’t, story’s end It's cables again Oh no, patience at an end. Oh no, it's cables again Too bad I'm losing a friend. C'mon, you little fighters No need to get uptighter Stop being a backbiter And arguing in vain No arguing in vain Participate again... You’ve got me under your dielectric From Cole Porter’s great standard “I’ve got you under my skin” You’ve got me under your dielectric You’ve got me deep in the wire of you So deep in your wire, that it’s really dire for you You’ve got me under your dielectric You’ve tried so not to be apoplectic You’ve tried to ignore it when scepticism gives you more pain But you simply have no resistance, e’en though you’ll short out again I’m really under your dielectric You’d sacrifice anything, come what might For the sake of winning the fight In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night And repeats, repeats in your ear “Don’t you know you fool, you never can win Use your mentality, wake up to reality” But each time you do, just the thought that you Might impede, perhaps even sound eclectic ’Cause you’ve got me under your dielectric Night and day From the great Porter standard of the same name. Like the beat beat beat of the tom-tom When the jungle shadows fall Like the tick tick tock of the stately clock As it stands against the wall Like the drip drip drip of the raindrops When the summer shower is through So my freshly-added cable plays them true, true, true Night and day, diff’rences won- derful can be heard, which adds so much to listening fun The treble’s sparkling star And Mach 3 bass and mid-range clar- ity, diff’rence is Night and day, day and night, why is it so That in spite of the sceptics this diff’rence follows wherever I go In the roaring traffic's boom In the silence of my lonely room I hear them still Night and day, night and day Under the hide of me There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me And this torment won't be through Until I buy a further IC or two Day and night, night and day Road to joy? This one’s a remodelling of Friedrich Schiller’s poem „An die Freude“(Ode to Joy), as famously set to music in Beethoven’s 9th. Symphony: Kabel, Schöner Götterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder, Alle Boxen streng geteilt; All’ Audiophools werden Brüder, „Tag und Nacht“ hört man weit. (Cable, lovely divine spark, Daughter of Elysium, Drunk with fiery rapture, Goddess, We approach thy shrine! Thy magic reunites Those boxes that fashion has separated; All audiophools will become brothers “Day and night” is widely heard.) The Audiophool Jewelry Song Tune is “Baubles, bangles and beads” from “Kismet” Baubles, dangle, hear how they sing, single-lingle ICs tangle, fat shiny leads Bright, new-fangled, gold phonos bring, bringle-lingle Sound, not jangle, perfect indeed Whole greater than bits’ sum Whether grooves or pits. Come That great day, when they’ll no more with cheap cables mingle Hi-fi, sky high, that’s where I’ll be ‘Cos if it looks right, must sound right, I day and night Hearing baubles, dangled, and leads. The Blue Max Song Max was keen on burning-in and sharp-eared non-audiophile friends who could hear the differences thus caused, and he had a horror of twin flex as speaker wire. Blue_Max has a curious notion If he takes some cable and he Puts ‘lectrons in long-lasting motion It won’t sound like twin-flex to we. Chorus: Twin-flex! Twin-flex! It all sounds like twin-flex to me, to me! Twin-flex! Twin-flex! It all sounds like twin-flex to me! Burn-in’s a phenomenon unknown To those trained scientific’lly From Max, this elicits a big groan It’s not that far from heresy. Chorus: For Max, who, one end to the other Is audiophile quite simply, Hears differences without much bother Sharp ears triumph over theory! Chorus: Last night as Max lay on his pillow Last night as Max lay on his bed A new course his thoughts they did follow And one that did fill him with dread. Chorus: “What IF those who lack my perception Like Still Tones, CJ, adb Are right and ‘mong wires no exception Exists, could twin-flex be for me? Chorus: “No, NEVER!! Such thoughts are abhorrent! And I reject them utterly! No quality cable I’ll warrant Will E’ER sound like twin-flex to me!” Chorus: “My golden ears (there are none fairer) My ego, my pride, guarantee That ne’er can I admit to error And therefore it never can be…” …that… Chorus: The Cable Passion From the Hassler chorale O Haupt voll Blut und Wunden ("O Sacred Head, sore wounded")from Bach's St. Matthew Passion: O sacred cables, winding Each sacred box unite Our ears forever finding Their influ’nce never slight On sounds produced from set-up They have us in their sway And so we’ll never let up Throwing money away.
The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 4 The unChristmassy Christmas carol One lacking all the usual peace-on-earth, goodwill-to-cable-sceptics sentiments of the season. O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, O come ye, to heap scorn on scepticism; come, and behold who can't distinguish cables; Refrain: O come, let us abhor them, O come, let us abhor them, O come, let us abhor them, Priceless bores! Sods who're odd, testers blind infernal lo! mere abortions seeking to cast gloom misbegotten sons full of bother; Refrain Bring ropes of cables, swing in exultation, swing all the sceptics from high trees above; glory, believers, hearing is believing; Refrain When we've no sceptics to ask awkward questions Ang'ring us with objectivity We urestrain-ed humbug propogating ; Refrain Yea, newbies greet we, absent from all scorning guiding their steps in right paths of hi-fi belief in magic stands, cords, ICs, cables; Refrain The Silver Cable Song To the tune of “Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious†from Disney's “Mary Poppinsâ€Â: Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! Makes a sound that's big and round and lush and soft as sable Brings coherence to a sound resembling Tower of Babel Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay I used to be afraid to hear When I was just a lad They said my hi-fi needs a tweak Because it sounds so bad But then one day I heard the words That saved my battered ears It set me free, established me And silenced all the jeers-oh Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! Better than that other stuff adorned with fancy label Add a pair you'll find that they your hi-fi will enable Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay I never tire to hear this wire That has my list'ning altered Had I but known the latent joys I never would have faltered Use right now and it will wow And it will change your life One night I proved it to my friends And even to my wife! (And a cloth-eared wife she is too!) Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! Sceptics deaf and quite bereft would have you think it's fable But just crank it up and they will dive under the table Super solid silver PTFE-coated cable! The biwiring song Some guy put this strange concept over “You connect two wires,†said he “Thus eliminating crossover†“It sounds so much better to me!†Buy wire! Biwire! Biwired sounds better to me, to me! Buy wire! Biwire! Biwired sounds better to me! This sounded an idea germinal I thought I would suck it and see But when I plied signal to terminal There wasn't a difference to me. No more, no more No more biwiring for me, for me! No more, no more No more biwiring for me! The I-want-believers-to-unbelieve Song To the tune of “Smile†from the Charlie Chaplin film “Modern Timesâ€Â, music by Chaplin himself: Try, though their eyes are aching Try, though their hearts are breaking Although their ears hear what they want to hear You must try, much as you are able So that belief in cable Will depart from them by and by If you just try. The Van den Hul Song Remember the old Richard Green TV series “Robin Hood†with its famous theme song: Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen, Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band of men? Well, I thought this would be a suitable song for another hero who robs the rich to give to, er, himself basically, namely Mr. A.J. van den Hul. How to pronounce “Hulâ€Â? Well, according to my tame native Dutch speakers, the “u†sound in this case falls between those in “dull†and in “pull†– probably the nearest in English is the one in “buryâ€Â. So, I've having it both ways and rhyming it with “dull†in the first and third refrains and “pull†in the second and fourth: Van den Hul, van den Hul, scientific sleaze Van den Hul, looks for gul-ible folks to fleece Trade mark should be crossed bones and skull Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul He called the greatest con men to a tavern near the dike They vowed to sell a cable with price hike Their rhetoric was ready, their distortions were in place And they spouted it forth with straight face. Van den Hul is no fool when it comes to bend Every rule taught at school, should it somehow lend Credence to his pulling the wool Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul He castigates those wires made of metal by drawing To justify his carbon (that's his thing) Like other cable con-men he gives facts unusual twist Solves problems that really don't exist. Van den Hul, like seagull, soars hyperbole Van den Hul, never dull, humbugs happily Seeking believing folk to lull Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul Burn-in, he says, are tunnels formed in cables on the floor Electrons pass more easily, sounds soar But when they're vacuum-cleaned the tunnelling is all in vain It takes a week before they're back again. Van den Hul's line of bull, is a real show-stopper Van den Hul, audio ghoul, master of the whopper Snake oil abounds, knee-deep in pools Van den Hul, van den Hul, van den Hul. The Cable Lifter Song What shall we do with a floor-laid cable What shall we do with a floor-laid cable What shall we do with a floor-laid cable To enhance its sounding? Hoor-ray and up she rises Hoor-ray and up she rises Hoor-ray and up she rises Improvement resounding! Raise 'em from the floor to counter static Differences found will be dramatic Really big improvement automatic Ignore sceptics' hounding Hoor-ray and up she rises Hoor-ray and such surprises Hoor-ray we know who's wisest Sceptics sure confounding! When you wish upon a wire From Jiminy Cricket's song in Disney's “Pinocchioâ€Â: When you wish upon a wire Makes no diff'rence if it's dire Listen with your heart and hear your dreams come true Whether copper, silver gleams No perception's too extreme When you wish upon a wire, you'll have a clue! HOBBY's kind, He brings to those who long The sweet fulfilment of their secret longing Like a bolt out of the blue, 'lectrons flow and sound is new When you wish upon a wire, your dreams come true. 3. MANA SONGS I have a special affection for Mana, because it was Mana, or more correctly its failure to do anything for anything placed thereon that started me down the road to hi-fi scepticism. I also loved the quasi-religious cult feeling of the old Mana website, the absurdly inflated performance claims, the bitterness of the, er, discussions and the competition for JW's favour – always reminded me of the old Belfast shipyard saying, “Ah tried to crawl up the boss's a***, Jimmy, but ah cuddn't git up fer yur legs hangin' downâ€Â. However, Mana has given a lot of pleasure to a lot of people and I was sorry to see that Mana is now apparently out of business. The Captain of the Mana Forum To the tune of G&S's “I am the captain of the Pinafore from – you could never guess what… I am the captain of the Mana For'm (And a right good captain too!) You are very, very good and I wish it understood That we have a right good crew (We are very, very good and he wish it understood That we are a right good crew) Tho' it's nowt but glass and steel It really gives a feel To music that induces glee And I swear my angle iron Really sets the gear on fire'n I never use hyperbole (What, never?) No, never! (What, NEVER?) Weeeellll, hardly ever! (Hardly ever use hyperboleeeeeeeee) Thennnnnn – give three cheers and one cheer more For the modest Captain of the Mana For'm Then give three cheers and one cheer more Forrrrrrrr - the Captain of the Mana For'm! I do my best to satisfy you all (And you make us right content!) You are very, very fine, and I wish to underline That your praise is so well meant! (We are very, very fine, and he wish to underline That our praise is so well meant!) With non-ferrous stainless spikes, And racks, I'm sure your likes Will be catered for more perfectly But more Phase is what you wants, your perfection to enhance, But not enhance my pounds and p. (What, never?) No, never! (What, NEVER?) Weeeellll, hardly ever! (Hardly ever enhance pounds and ppppppppp) Thennnnnn – give three cheers and one cheer more For the altruistic Captain of the Mana For'm Then give three cheers and one cheer more Forrrrrr - the Captain of the Mana For'm! Manadiemus! From Carl Jenkins's “Adiemusâ€Â. The language of this one isn't imaginary, the effect is. Mana, Mana, gives you feeling Mana, Mana, to the ceiling Mana, Mana, angle iron 'n' glassy plate Listen listen to the sounding Listen how edged notes are rounding Just because your stuff is grounded, really great! Mana, Mana, never leave us Mana, Mana, we believe as Ne'er before that music's tedious when you're gone Mana, hoor-i-yay! Mana-hoor-i-yayyyyy! The New Mana Believer's Song O happy day! (O happy day!) O happy da-ay-ay! (O happy day!) When Mana washed (When Mana washed) Oh yeah, when it washed (When Mana washed) When Mana washed (When Mana washed) A-all my doubts away (O happy day! O happy day! O happy day) It taught me how to eschew gimmickray (Gimmickray!) And live rejoicing hearing night and day! (Night and day!) O happy day! (O happy day!) O happy day-ay-ay! (O happy day!) When negative (When negative) Oh-oh negative (When negative) When negative (When negative) Things turn out positive-lay (Positive-lay! O happy day! O happy day! O happy day) That I no longer vast piles have to pay! (Have to pay!) For wires, green pens, stands, and stuff such as they (Such as they!) O happy day! (O happy day!) O happy da-ay-ay! (O happy day!) That I can laugh (I can laugh) Oh yeah, I can laugh (I can laugh) I can laugh (I can laugh) At magazine idio-say (O happy day! O happy day! O happy day) The Mana Phase Song Observers will know that, the more Mana “phases†you add, the better it gets, defying completely the law of diminishing returns. Here's a guide: This old Man(a) On Phase 1 Things sound better, twice the fun Textures from the mud come out clean and bright This old Mana seen the light This old Man(a) On Phase 2 Adds Soundstage, adjusts the screws Startling music gains, big Epiphany! PRaTs and grooves more tunefully This old Man(a) Now Phase 3 Add and adjust carefully Tunes are followed now like I've never heard You should buy some, take my word! This old Man(a) At Phase 4 Ever further from the floor Still it simply gets better all the time Got no Manas? That's a crime! This old Man(a) Hits Phase 5 Music seems much more alive Ladder needed now, record for to change I don't care if wife estranged. This old Man(a) Stainless spikes Musical'ty hits new heights Crisp and clean and clear, more of everything This tweak makes your music ring. This old Man(a) Logo's new You now need a gross or two Smooth in, Gothic out, elegant new letters I could swear it all sounds better This old Man(a) Stainless frame Non-magnetic is the aim Stunning looks and sounds better than before Painful jaw from hitting floor This old Man(a) To phase 6 Music is my major fix Room completely bare, furniture is sold Buys more Mana, audio gold! This old Man(a) At Phase 7 Mana truly is from heaven! Well, I'm almost there, why am I surprised? Watson should be canonised! This old Man(a) Now Phase 8 Playing music dawn to late Feet tap all the time, really it's not fair Costs a bomb in shoe repair This old Man(a) At Phase 9 Hard to breathe here, need air line MoA demands flashing warning lights To divert incoming flights This old Man(a) Reached Phase 10 'Fraid I'll have to start again Slipped on permafrost, whole lot fell down too Where's my spanner? Lots to screw.
The Tones Hi-Fi Songbook, Part 5 The last bit - I promise! It's just that I keep running out of time when I try to put on too much. 4. TWEAK SONGS Various songs about various tweaks. The smart little clock song This was the copy by the infamous Machina Dynamica http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina41.htm of the equally infamous Tice Clock, which “Stereovile” reported as working http://www.stereophile.com/miscellaneous/784/index3.html which gives you some idea as to how trustworthy is “Stereovile”. My small, clever clock looked so small on the shelf Of the hi-fi that sat on the floor It was smaller by far than the hi-fi itself But it sure made that hi-fi set roar For the sounds that came out, were far better, there’s no doubt And the soundstage was deep, tall and wide But it stopped short, never to come again When my small clock died Refrain Better sound without rumbling Tick-tock, tick-tock Those nay-sayers humbling Tick-tock, tick-tock It stopped short, never to come again When my small clock died My small clever clock’s not connected at all To the gear, which provokes endless schism Why they do what they do, I for one have no clue But they do, which confounds scepticism. It amazes that quartz in a clock can in sound warts And all really convincingly hide. But it stopped short, never to come again When my small clock died Refrain My small clever clock with my sound really dealt So that nothing at all did it lack Effects like those found by that smart Mr. Belt And the belt for the clock would be black The improvement was there, so I went and bought a pair And I thought the results would abide But they stopped short, never to come again When my small clocks died. Refrain My small clever clocks I just had to replace So I bought me a dozen or more What an upgrade they made! Stuck all over the place And my friends found me such a great bore Sceptics like to revile, what was said in “Stereophile” But they might as well try stop the tide But it stopped short, never to come again When my small clocks died Refrain The Shun Mook Song http://www.shunmook.com/connect.htm Dedicated to a recent bunch of con-artists, er, audiophool retailers, to the tune of Stephen Foster’s “De Camptown Races”: Oh the Shun Mook dealers sing this song Doodads! doodads! The Shun Mook stuff goes on and on Doodads! doodads! hey! Doodads they made of wood Coming from Africay Oh I’ll bet my money that mpingo discs To better sound are the way. Oh the Shun Mook thing’mys look the part Doodads! doodads! Those funny black discs stole my heart Doodads! doodads! hey! Suckin’ the bad vibes in Lettin’ the good sound out For improved dynamics and a big soundstage Caused by the discs there’s no doubt. Oh the Shun Mook sceptics sing this song Too bad! Too bad! The silly gits have got it wrong Much too bad for they Music yo’ play all night Diff’rences night and day What they’re missin’ they don’t have a single clue They’ve only lost their way. Oh the Shun Mook wood is getting rare Doodads! doodads! One has to buy while it’s still there Doodads! doodads! hey! Doin’ without’s not right Prepared the price to pay Oh I’ll pay whatever price that Shun Mook wants For eternal sound qualitay! Stoned You have all seen the infamous hysterical Machina Dynamica pebbles: http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina17.htm I thought they deserved an appropriate song, so here is my version of a tune by one Robert Zimmermann, originally entitled “Rainy Day Women Nos. 12 and 35” The stones you put on hi-fi in glass jars No bones about it, they perform like stars Full-grown and clear the sound comes warbling out They hone the sound to perfection, no doubt! But so I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned! The stones absorb vibration really good The tones emerge from speakers as they should The foaming mouths of sceptics? Pay no heed They moan without e’er having done the deed But so I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned! “Those stones!” folk say, “they’re just a pile of pebbles!” But groaning stops when first they hear the trebles At home they start off thinking you’re a loon. But own a jar, they’ll also change their tune But so I would not feel so all alone Everybody must get stoned! The Dotty Song Zanash is a man with an open mind on all tweaks, even if the tweak involves sticking paper dots on speakers and walls to improve the sound. Tune from “The Trolley Song”, which appeared in the 1944 film “Meet me in St. Louis”: With my high-end speakers and my new ICs And my speaker stands loaded down with lead I had a quick listen to see what I’m missin’ and lost my heart instead With his tiny circles and his sticky stuff He was the cleverest of men He stuck them all over, I listened, bowled over, and listened all over again Dot, dot, dot went the Zanash Big, big, big was the sound Joy, joy, joy did my ears feel It was all much more spacious and round He stuck them on, and took a seat He said he’d often staggered people with this feat The things I heard just took my breath The new-found realism scared me half to death Dot, dot, dot, went the Zanash Sing, sing, sing went my gear Stop! Stop! Stop! cried my wallet But when he went to leave I took hold of his sleeve with my hand And as if it were planned he stayed and then we Stuck more until of the room there remained not a single clear spot Under wall-to-wall dot! The Abrasive Titanic Song Dedicated to those who improve the sound of their CDs by roughening the edges, to the great hymn tune. Carbide with me as my sound starts to slide The darkness deepens, but I have carbide When all my discs have failing frequency I can restore them, have carbide with me I need thy presence every passing hour Only with thee do I retain the power I take sand, glass, corundum, SiC And sand my edges, O, carbide with me. I need no pens to edge with green or black Nor fancy gadgets my edge to cut back Goop on the surface? Irrelevancy! Just need slight roughening, carbide with me. I ply abrasive before doubtful eyes Lifts tone from gloom and raise it to the skies All is improved, cynics’ vain shadows flee All sounds well when I have carbide with me. The Tweaker’s Song To a possibly all-too-familiar tune Imagine there’s a difference It’s such an easy thing Tho’ it’s just copper under PTFE coating Imagine all the faithful Jaws upon the floor oh-oh You may say the firms are schemers But you only want to spoil The pleasure of our pleasure Of swimming in deep snake oil. Imagine there’s a difference With dots upon the wall And dots upon the speakers And dots placed overall Imagine all the faithful Hearing better sound, oh-oh You may say that I am dotty But I’m not the only one There are so many potty Trained so they don’t think they’ve been done. Imagine there’s a difference It’s easy if you want To have enhanced perception Before the herd to flaunt Imagine all the feeble Looking up to you oh-oh Your CD edges so much greener And also demagnetised Herd will want to be like you And you will be glorified. The Lathe Song A tribute to the "CD-Sound-Improver" of Audiodesk Systeme Gläss: http://www.audiodesksysteme.de/index.php?kat=10 Lathe, ill vice At high price Skims acrylic from CD In a trice Makes sound nice Say folk happy to fleece thee Bevel precise said to stop stray light In its flight to D/A Better byte Clean and bright Differences night and day So it’s said By those wed To beliefs in strange tweaking Plus obscene Magazines Golden-eared and self-seeking Reduced protection for alumin- -Yum is dim, not clever Too thin? Then, oxygen Wrecks your CDs forever. The Keel Song Dedicated to Linn's latest upgrade, to a possibly familiar tune. As I cam’ thro' Glasgae, thro' Glasgae, thro' Glasgae; As I cam’ thro' Glasgae I heard a lassie sing: “Weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go: Weel may the Keel go, yon wee expensive thing”. And weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go: Weel may the Keel go, yon wee expensive thing. Ye need too an Ekos, an Ekos, an Ekos; Ye need too an Ekos, the model called SE. Weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go: Wi’ Ekos on top-oh, a steal at thousands three. And weel may the Keel go, the Keel go, the Keel go: Wi’ Ekos on top-oh, makes Ivor dance wi’ glee. The Phonosophie Room-Amimator Song I For lovers of the wee blue light: Blue, blue, my light is blue Cost me a bomb, but what could I do? Red, red, my account’s dead But better sound, what more need be said? Ray, ray, forget naysay- Ers, diff’rence great, indeed night and day, Quartz, quartz, it takes the warts And all from music, cannot be rort How it works, we have not a clue But work it does, we have heard and it’s true. Beam, beam, it makes eyes gleam Blue LED, kit sounds like a dream Sound, sound, that, pound for pound Makes for an upgrade really profound Those who say, it can’t go this way Don’t want to hear what’s plain as day. Green, green, and quite obscene With envy are those sceptic has-beens Black, black, s’not goin’ back When it’s switched off, apparent’s the lack. It’s heard by all, not just in the head Even my wife, who is both deaf and dead. Blue, blue, next comes a new Gold magic wand and cable ones too Grey, grey, I’ll hear all day, New Age of sound, don’t care what folk say! The Phonosophie Room-Animator Song II Well ma baby caught me list’nin', To a weird blue light today, Well ma baby caught me list’nin', To a weird blue light today, So she tossed both it an’ me out An’ as I landed, heard her say. Chorus: See ya later, Animator, It’s so vile, such a pile Of a fluid whose creator Was a legless long reptile. There’s no way ah’m gonna share life With a crazy audiophile! So ah begged her for forgiveness An’ ah said ah’d seen the light So ah begged her for forgiveness An’ ah said ah’d seen the light An’ she said, “Ah’ll forgive this time Long as the light yo’ saw was white!” Chorus: Donna what ah’m gonna do now With all these crystals that I got Donna what ah’m gonna do now With all these crystals that I got An’ they don’ seem to be healin’ Where ah landed on mah bot! Chorus: The Teleportation Song Machina Dynamica's latest con, the “Teleportation” tweak http://www.machinadynamica.com/machina60.htm deserved a song: Long distance information, wire me to Machina D. Help me fix my hi-fi by remote telephony I’ve seen it on the website and I wanna place a call My hi-fi’s sounding broken and it drives me up the wall Hear me, information, for the pebbles I have got There’s no doubt that they’re Brilliant, but the perfect answer not I’ve half a dozen Clever Clocks, which all keep perfect time But jes’ don’t seem with my assembled hi-fi gear to chime. I want a big improvement I can hear immediately Must have all that detail, texture, layers, air, you see I want that Teleported stuff in my hi-fi enshrined So I can show to my friends benefits of open mind. Oh, advanced telecommunications, please, while you’re in train Of sending my improvement, would you also find my brain I was convinced of your good stuff, I simply had no doubt My mind was just so open that the durn thing just fell out. Long distance information, my imploded head and me Are happy with the telephonic great tweak from MD It’s just as good as cable tweaks, makes diff’rence night and day All you need’s imagination with no brain stuck in the way!
Miscellaneous songs The Quad Song To the famous Rinkart/Crüger hymn Nun danket alle Gott (Now thank we all our God): How thankful we’re for Quad, for instruments and voices It wondrous things hath done, in which sound world rejoices From Walker’s earliest steps that sent Quad on its way With innovative gear that still sounds good today O may this bounteous Quad through all our lives be near us, With ever joyful sounds that never cease to cheer us; And keeps us from the craze to upgrade when perplexed; And frees us from the ill about what to buy next! All praise and thanks to Quad, which gives musical heaven Quad II, three-three, four-four, 303, fifty seven, Although we find it sad that Huntingdon’s no more; The Real Thing soldiers on, and shall for evermore. The Zanash Crystal Song To our resident crystallographer and believer in the power of SiO2: In a cavern, in a canyon Excavating in a mine Zanash looks for perfect crystal His hi-fi sound to refine Chorus: Oh my darling, oh, my darling, Oh, my darling tourmaline Crystal silicon dioxide Makes my sounds much more sublime Chorus: Tho’ no min’ral is more common As a building block you’ll find It does things bord’ring on Potter Hogwarts as hi-fi defined Chorus: For geologists, bananas But New Agers they opine Things improve with every hearing Just a bit like vintage wine. Chorus: Matters not if orthorhombic Simple trigonal, refined Tetragon- or hexagon-al All will make your sounds divine. Chorus: Place one near your hi-fi set-up Then sit back, and feel your mind Warm to all those good vibrations Please just leave your brains behind. Chorus: The ballad of Rudolf Hucker Dedicated to the HiFi Wigwam personality and LP12 lover, who went off to form a forum with other, er, hi-fi personalities: Born in the darkest depths of old UK Went to Sweden for floors to lay Laid also wife and soon there were three Built him a house from big long bits of tree Chorus: Rudooooolf, Rudolf Hucker! Wildest hi-fi frontier! Got him a hi-fi and began to hear An obsession that was soon to cost him dear Hated the Sondek, of that there’s no doubt But needed to buy four to find it out Chorus: Told it like it was (at least in his view) Those who said otherwise got short shrift too Had enough loitering within tent Formed him a forum and so off he went Chorus: His forum’s the loudest and (so he says) best Made from folk who’re banned from all the rest Plus lotsa cranks and weirdos as well Creating an audiophool version of hell! Chorus: The Hi-Fi Magazine Song To the tune of G&S's most famus patter song, "I am the very model of a modern major general": There’s Hi-Fi Choice and HiFi-Plus and HiFi News&RR The Absolute Sound, Stereophile, and What Hi-Fi? et caeterar The common link is hi-fi and they all spout endless reams of Odd prose that has reality a-groaning at the seams of They cannot simply say “sounds good”, sales-wise that is too chancy They have to pad their reviews with poetic flights of fancy They take themselves so seriously as if their garble mattered That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling flattered That people read it ever should be grounds for feeling fla-ha-ha-hat-tered They propagate a stack of myths about ICs and cables The sort of tripe they put on paper’s nothing short of fables In short in matters audiophile, they can be trusted so far ‘sapprox’mately the distance one can throw a supertankar. Descriptions that are found therein are totally fantastic (By which I mean imagined and not great); iconoclastic Reviewers don’t exist who are prepared to damn and blast, trust- Worthy ones would surely be commercially disastrous So bits of wire become endowed with some peculiar magic (Which really would be funny if it weren’t completely tragic To see how souls are bought, a total moral abdication To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation) To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circulation To try to compensate for ever-shrinking circula-ha-ha-ha-tion! And so we have to suffer evermore this onslaught verbal To some is music to their ears, to most it’s bloomin’ terrible In short, in matters sound their credibility is busted The noble hi-fi journalists should simply not be trusted They're always waxing lyrical 'bout sounds that are foot-tapping The bass is fast or clean or deep or gets your trousers flapping The treble's clear or grainy, splashy, pure, disperse, organic And if you cannot comprehend there is no need for panic The meaning of a term is just whatever they accord it Often in a case where, if you ask, you can’t afford it Of course that’s not their worry, as they get to play without charge And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more large And describe charact’ristics that than life are rather more lar-har-har-ge And so the prose is never drily technical but gushes Like Moses in the Bible, 'arken here and the bullrushes In short, don’t read the magazines if you wish to adjourn all this There’s none who talks such tripe to match the modern hi-fi journalist. The Hi-Fi Journalist's Song For those not so ancient as I, the tune is the marvellous Glenn Frey/Don Henley “Lyin’ Eyes”, which won an Emmy for The Eagles. It happens to be one of the few pop/rock songs I really like. Hi-fi journos seem to find out early How to open pockets with their style Of rich young guys, but also those who barely Scrape by, but who will always fall for guile There are times a hi-fi can sound homely Not the best perhaps, but still quite nice The thought then comes that it could sound awesomely With just a little upgrade, for a price. So he reaches for the mag that’s on the table Through all the purple prose he starts to wade Before long he’s decided that’s he’s able Tho’ short of means, to make his next upgrade. Chorus: You can hide your lyin’, guys Pulling wool o’er believing eyes Audiophools don’t realise Or perhaps don’t want to know you’re lyin’, guys On the other side of town a dealer’s waiting With sparking eyes and dreams so clear to see His cables in the mag have got good rating Ensuring victims soon right here will be A victim comes, the twosome come together The seed has fallen on some ground fertile Although he says it’s not ‘bout when but whether The dealer listens quietly with a smile. He knows the audiophool to be benighted Peer pressure is just too strong, you see Like cults, must be against the world united He knows he’ll buy the things eventually Chorus: The journo sits and pours himself a strong one Reality much better to deny A new report, it’s going to be a long one Before too long the humbug’s in full cry He never wonders how it got this crazy How he forgot the science learned at school If he got tired, or if he just got lazy Or just found out how easy folk are fooled My, oh my, you sure know how to ply it The lies, distortions, twists, hyperbole And it’s funny how your readers really buy it They’re just so willing to be conned, you see. Chorus: The Audiophool Christmas Carol May HOBBY bless you gentlemen upon this Christmas day And may your new CD player be cause of no dismay Sufficient drink will ensure improvements as plain as day For it’s hiding discomfort with joy Discomfort with joy And it’s hiding discomfort with joy Enjoy your fine new cables now, among the very best Engage imagination and they're different from the rest Ignore completely sceptics and their idiot blind test For it’s hiding discomfort with joy Discomfort with joy And it’s hiding discomfort with joy Who thinks Vinyl Solution’s myth, is extreme, but not right When one’s a true believer, there is diff’rence day and night So long as you don’t try to change the record when you’re tight For it’s hiding discomfort with joy Discomfort with joy And it’s hiding discomfort with joy And tweaks and stands are welcome for the miracle they bring Appropriate for season celebrating such a thing And credit cards ensure that only later bills will sting For it’s hiding discomfort with joy Discomfort with joy And it’s hiding discomfort with joy. So rest, ye very mental men, enjoy your new-found gear ‘Twill be another miracle if it lasts out the year The stuff, now great, by end ’08, will be gone, never fear! Time again to hide discomfort with joy Discomfort with joy Time for hiding discomfort with joy The missing-the-point song ..with apologies to Flanders and Swann: A devoted audiophool was list’ning one day To the sounds of his system so dear His really wide soundstage was full on display And every small nuance he’d hear He knew brand of cymbal the stick would caress And when the bass man scratched his ear The representation was just a sensation The music he just didn’t hear Chorus: Hi-fi, glorious hype “It’s all ‘bout the music”, they say, but that’s tripe Don’t follow, don’t follow, for it’s all hollow They just want to wallow in glorrrrrrious hype! “Just listen!” he’d say to you, “how real it all is! “The singer’s not just there, but there “You hear every time she breathes, each snort and each gasp “And even when she smoothes her hair!” The music, its spirit, its life counts for zilch An artefact’s taken its place To get from the platter all recorded matter ‘s a technical triumph - and waste. Chorus: The song of the reformed hi-fi addict Slightly autobiographical, and modelled closely on Don McLean's marvellous original: A long, long time ago… I can still remember How that music used to make me smile. And I thought if I had my chance My music system to enhance Just, maybe, I’d be happier for a while. But hi-fi mags just made me shiver As every article delivered. Bad news on the doorstep; Much cash to gain one more step. And thus it was, I did decide This bizarre world to get inside Really took me for a ride, And so the music died. So bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I Do you like the sound of wire At a price that’s absolutely dire If those Bibles tell you so? And do you believe your rock ‘n roll Sounds so much better, with more soul From a diamond dragging through a ditch so slow? Now I knew folk were in love with Linn Even when the price was really grim Or mad Naimees whose shoes Tap as if there’s no time to lo-oo-oose. I had a taste champagne with a budget beer And imagination and no golden ear And all confirmed were my worst fears The day the music died I started singin’ Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I So for ten years, I was quite on song Believed these wise folk can’t be wrong They heard something, I heard it too Although it was so contrar-ray To the science I did every day I somehow didn’t see it all as woo. Until a stand, of Mana name From Anglesey, not heaven, came It cost a hefty pound Was said to enhance sound But in spite of what the pundits knew I tried it out, and its cred blew Moreover it looked ugly too No wonder music died I started singin’ Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I Helter skelter, I was in a swelter I tested stuff and in a welter Scales from eyes were falling fast For big improvements, you need grass And propaganda good as Tass And pseudo-scientific humbug vast Now in no time I smelt sweet perfume Of truth, and tried to sing this tune I sought truth to advance But I rarely got the chance For when I tried to take the field The true believers would not yield They didn’t like the truth revealed And so the music died. And I was singin’ Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I Oh, and there we were all in one place, A few with clues, but some with space Between the ears, so talk was vain They went on, they were simple, they were thick As Jethro Tull’s infamous brick ‘Cos humbug is believers’ only friend. Oh, and as I watched them on the for- Um, hi-fi myths began to soar From folk who should know well Completely under spell. And as the flaming climbed to scary height The sort of thing that forums blight Hi-fi believers laughing with delight The day the music died And I was singin’ Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I I now have ceased to sing the blues No longer read the “Hi-Fi News” I simply smile and turn away I don’t go to the hi-fi store Where the music left me years before For in such stores the music doesn’t play The only thing that’s there is dreams At prices taken to extremes Absurdity unspoken And logic totally broken I have Meridian, Linn and Quad But for my back, no longer rod Music, not hi-fi, is my god And music will abide. I’m happily singin’ Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I They can carry on without I Bye, bye, to religion hi-fi I’d been drinking without thinking, now the well has run dry And good ol’ audiophools can fight till they die But they can carry on without I! To the ladies of hi-fi... ...wherever they are... To Pete Seeger's "Where have all the flowers gone?" Where have all the ladies gone From our pastime? Where have all the ladies gone? Now knitting rows? Where have all the ladies gone Gone to knitting everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Where have all the knitters gone From their pastime? Where have all the knitters gone Now knitting rows? Where have all the knitters gone? Married nitwits everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Where have all the nitwits gone To our pastime? Where have all the nitwits gone? Now writing prose? Where have all the nitwits gone Turned to audiophools everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Where have all the audiophools gone In our pastime? Where have all the audiophools gone? Now come to blows? Where have all the audiophools gone Turned to forums everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Where have all the forums gone In our pastime? Where have all the forums gone? Once full of prose? Where have all the forums gone Died from wire wars everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Where have the survivors gone From our forums? Where have the survivors gone? Stopped writing prose? Where have the survivors gone Gone to ladies everyone When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? Zorba the Geek Inspired (if that's the word) by the Audio Club of Athens and their wondrous toys: My wire! (his-nice-wire) My wire! (his-nice-wire) Really sounds dire! (his-nice-wire) I tire (his-nice-wire) I'm frust- (his-nice-wire) -trated, cost much (his-nice-wire) I'm through (his-nice-wire) I need some new (his-nice-wire) Expensive too (his-nice-wire) (his-nice-wire) My power! (his-pure-power) Gone sour! (his-pure-power) I’m dour! (his-pure-power) ‘S worse by the hour! (his-pure-power) I’ll try (his-pure-power) What’s gone awry (his-pure-power) To rectify (his-pure-power) For a better supply (his-pure-power) Or I will die! (his-pure-power) (his-pure-power) So that I can get my platter turning (with clamp, so it’s flatter) To right speed acceleration, thanks to quartz rectification Moving coil is grooving, oil not needed for friction removing ‘Cos air bearing, perfect pairing, which prevents there being wearing Valves are glowing, as we’re knowing so much better sound bestowing Than that solid state stuff which we know is not so great, ‘nuff Said, and also all those ones and zeros, making sound that your poor ears o- -ffensive find, so ill-defined, like dishes scraped with fork tines, so now Put out of your mind! The Bluegrass Hi-Fi Ballad Inspired by a somewhat more risqué song, heard long ago: I had me a little hi-fi set And a beautiful sound made she But ah gave it away to a purdy little gal Jes’ to keep her company All day, all night she’d play that thing Without a big mishap But then one day she threw it away And said it’s a load of Kr— --ell, Krell, she wanted, hell! Amurrican big, by heck! Ah wan’ it big an’ ah wan’ it bold Don’t care if it’s old tech- Lancing foreign boil Patriot thing, come on! Belief that furrin hi-fi’s best Is all a great big Con- --rad Johnson’s for tubes Very best sound by far Sounds so sweet, good enough to eat And no way does sound Mar- Cleaving, son, ’s the way To the gear US-made Ferget the rest, it sho’ is best Yo’ can take that as Red- Rose, smelling of those Those who think else are dead An’ if yo’ should think otherwise Yo’ should resume your med- Oh! “Lark ascending”sounds Better than on gear Nip- -ponese, Oh, please! On it relieves Its ears it sho’ does Klip- -Sugar! That Jap crap? Singapore or Vietnam That’s where it’s made, clearly displayed Revealed by quick exam- -sung, this song is sung You thought it would never end? Waal, since yo’ don’t approve of it, Ah’ll start all over again, Ah had me a little hi-fi set… Majik potion Brought on by Linn's, er, entry level turntable, with a little help from Burt Bacharach and Hal David: O Ivor, hear my plea, I want one desperately I’d love it with Ekos SE, but that I can’t afford, you see Oh please, oh please help me O Ivor, won’t you make a Majik potion As reward for my devotion I’m thinking of Majik potion with a Pro-Jekt 9 O Ivor, please take on this generous notion For we Adikts put in motion And everything will vinylly be fine Because I’m going to make one mine. O Ivor, please ignore, inevitable bores Who’ll say the VFM just stinks, but no one cares just what they think We want the Linn level entry O Ivor please do make that Majik potion I’ll help out with my promotion For Majik turntable with Pro-Jekt 9 O Ivor, come restore vinyl emotion And ignore sceptic commotion So we can have the sound for which we pine The analogue wave’s purest sine! The Blind Test Song Try blind tests Try blind tests See how they run See how they run If they don't give the results your wife Should get (tho' she's deaf), say the stress, so rife Negates the results, cling to that for dear life Deny blind tests The Bach Cable Song To the great Hassler chorale "O Sacred head" used in the St. Matthew Passion: O sacred cables, winding Each sacred box unite Our ears forever finding Their influ’nce never slight On sounds produced from set-up They have us in their sway And so we’ll never let up Throwing money away.
The Groovehandler's Song Written at the start of ZeroGain many moons ago, and forgotten (perhaps it should have stayed that way...). Tune is "If you go in", from G&S's Iolanthe: If we take pain, with ZeroGain We can avoid our hist'ry shady Be our law The ancient saw, "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!" (Never, never, never, "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!") Hi-fi's a journey without end-- With Naimless problems e'er to mend-- Dark the dawn when day is nigh-- Handle your groove and don't say die! Cable or stand Mana or And- Drews may o'ercome that feeling jady Lovers of PraT Round earth or flat! Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie! (Never, never, never, Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!) While the sun shines make your hay-- Where there's a wallet, there's a way-- Beard the Ivor in his lair-- None but the brave deserve the fare! So, take heart And make a start-- Though you fear the prospect's shady-- Much you might spend To gain your end-- "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!" (Never, never, never, "Faint heart ne'er brought big upgradie!") Nothing venture, nothing win-- Arcam, Marantz, Cyrus or Linn -- Wadia ya know, one thing we've found -- It's hi-fi that makes our world go round! Nothing venture, nothing win-- Blood is thick, but water's thin-- In for a penny, in for a pound-- ZeroGain seeks the perfect sound!
The Frozen CD Song Recommended by well-known utter loony Peter W. Belt and various acolytes: Freeze a jolly good CD It smoothes out sounds that are reedy And deepens bass that is seedy And really tedious And really tedious And really tedious You'll get a sound that is felt tin- Ling warmth that is truly melting A drive positively Belting But then the guy is nuts
A sceptical song (Quel surprise!) To a possibly familiar tune: How many wires must a man lay down Before he no more gives a d**n? Yes, ‘n’ how much baloney must him assail Before he takes head out of sand? Yes, ‘n’ how many cables will he try on gear Convinced it’ll stop being bland? The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind The problem is blowhards full of wind How many sites must a man look up In reaching for audiophool sky Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have Before he facts cease to deny? Yes, ‘n’ how much snake oil will it take till he knows That too many reptiles have died? The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind The problem is blowhards full of wind How many years can a belief exist That those amps sound better than these? Yes, ‘n’ how many years must believing persist Before the poor slave can be free? Yes, 'n' how many times can a man’s head be turned, Believing he hears more than thee? The problem, my friend, is blowhards full of wind The problem is blowhards full of wind
Don't know what it means: Äîáðî ïîæàëîâàòü ÃÂàÃÂàø ñàéò! àâòîçàï÷àñòè îïòîì ìîñêâàbut it must be good as you said it four times!
